Can someone explain to me what I just watched?

I would consider myself an avid John Carpenter fan, one who admires his ability to create an atmosphere so enthralling it can push even the actors themselves out of the spotlight and into the background. Some of his more ambitious (IE: unpopular) projects including In The Mouth Of Madness and Prince Of Darkness are criminally underrated, many of which materialized in an era of film making replete with the carbon copy slasher flicks Carpenter himself helped establish the model for.

But even I couldn't squeeze blood from a stone with "Ghosts of Mars." And this upsets me.

While it's been mentioned to death, it bears repeating: The film is bogged down by a woefully wooden cast. While it is common for actors to try and make audiences 'buy them' in whatever role they're playing, in "Ghosts" small part players like Clea DuVall and Liam Waite seem more preoccupied with believing themselves in these roles than anything. Their speaking parts - however brief and sparse - visibly lack confidence. It's uncomfortable to watch.

Pam Grier - in her 10 minutes of accumulated screen time - gives us a nice "hey, it's that chick" cameo. Unfortunately, Grier's peculiar (if not comical) "who goes there?" line in the film leaves you with palpable apathy once her head is found on a pike. We're all familiar with Carpenter recycling actors he's enjoyed working with in the past, so I understand including Grier in the film after Escape From L.A. However, I don't think anybody was buying her as some hard nosed commander harboring same sex tendencies toward Natasha Henstridge. I was more confused over why Grier went from curtly barking orders at Henstridge to affectionately rubbing her arm within a flash.

Was the gibberish screaming Marilyn Manson gorilla monster the only person in this movie NOT trying to sneak a peek down Henstridge's blouse? We get it: She's sexy. We'd like to move on now, movie.

As far as Henstridge's other sexual provocateur Jason Statham, his character was the most believable in the bunch. He's fairly accomplished when it comes to these kinds of roles and we've since seen him play similarly gruff characters with substantial success. Statham serves as a temporary reprieve from an otherwise unforgiving wasteland of a film.

Ice Cube is just terrible. There's really no way of glamorizing it, nor does his performance warrant glamorizing. Since "Ghosts" he's found his niche in Hollywood, churning out lighthearted comedic fare for families. With that said, the odds of finding him in another sci-fi/horror movie appear slim. Fingers crossed.

When you do your research on the film - no doubt in an effort to make sense of the shlock which just stole 100 minutes of life from you - you discover Natasha Henstridge wasn't the original choice for the lead. Courtney Love, in fact, was signed on for the film. Is there one thing we can be thankful for when it comes to this movie? Yes, it's that Courtney Love could not be in this movie.

I wanted to write more but this movie already sapped enough time from me and it's just now sinking in.

I'm here to forgive you, John Carpenter.