Lack of

Whenever I remember his absence, I get a brief cold shower down my back; it feels a bit like a part of me is missing - or rather, like I'm waiting to have a part of me severed any time now. I'm doing my things, work for my stuff, talk to my friends, am my habitual self - and then I suddenly remember his absence. And something about the world feels very wrong.

I miss him, though I know that his return won't bring me any peace. He's been gone for too long, it *can't* be right, assuming he'll be back at all. I make fun of myself for having gotten so sucked up into this, but this is how it is, I got sucked up inside. If I could only stop hoping, I am trying to persuade myself that it's over but it isn't quite working either; so I can't do anything but miss him, and fear his return.