A psychiatrist diagnosed me with BPD last year. At first, I was all "nah, that doesn't sound like me at all!" Then I started to feel really confused about myself, like, is this just how I act, or am I actually a "borderline"? Then I felt like crap, because a lot of the literature said borderline's can't be cured. (Gee thanks? Who do they think is reading this sh*t?) I've slowly come to realise that a lot of the symptoms sound like me. I don't know why I was so adamant that they didn't. Maybe some sort of denial? But I'm still really confused about it.
I have had anxiety since I was a child. I still remember throwing up from nerves when my mum took me places.
Looking back, I can tell that I was first clinically depressed at 12. I didn't know it then, but I had this awful sadness that I couldn't really pinpoint or know where it was coming from, and I'd get up for school and cry in the shower as if it was routine.
I became depressed again at 16, and left untreated, I got worse until I was self harming, purging after meals, and having suicidal thoughts. I ended up attempting suicide to put an end to it. I went to a psych ward, but the self harm, purging, and distructive thoughts continued for years. I came good for a while, but last year got bad again, started harming and thinking about death again. I went back to therapy and this is when the psychiatrist suggested BPD. I can see why...
I said I didn't know what I wanted from life, I didn't know where I belong, I have poor relationships with people, I'm scared of the breakdown of the relationship, I'm scared of people leaving me, so I shut them out instead. I cut, I purge, I have been known to overdose. Sometimes I get urges like "lets move all my money from my savings account and just go spend it all" or if I'm driving down an empty streth of highway I might start speeding, fantasising about losing control, until I snap out of it... part of me thinks I do have BPD, as I get really overwhlemed and upset easily. When someone upsets me, I tend to want to just curl up there, get into a ball and sob until everything just *goes away*. This happened earlier this year in a car park when 2 strangers upset me, I was crying so hard that people were coming up to me asking if I was alright. I feel like I feel things too strongly.
I've had freakouts over people leaving me, I've felt like the world is ending, unable to stop crying, unable to feel like I could keep on living without them there. I "test" people, to see if they care, how they'll react and if they'll still love me. I have done this by cutting myself or overdosing and seeing if they'll stick around or dump me for being F@**ing crazy. I've even "tested" my therapist by cutting myself at his office to see what he'd do (he didn't tenderly bandage me up like in my fantasies btw. he didn't touch me, just called a taxi to the hospital and made sure I got in, if you think about doing that, I just ended up embarrassed and regretted it, jsyk)
I also used to get out of bed when I was sleeping at my boyfriends house and cut myself and cry, until my sobs woke him up and he'd pick me up and put me back to bed. I kept getting out and he kept putting me back. I pushed and tested him a lotttt, to the point he almost walked away. But he persevered to the point that I realised he wasn't leaving, and I finally stopped feeling like I needed to test him. I think part of this is because I lost my Dad at a young age and I crave that attention. I want to be "cared for" in that way. Make me feel safe. But I go about getting it in all the wrong ways.
So yeah maybe I do have BPD. But I've been bulimic now for years, and I cut myself as part of my depressions, so I feel like some of the criteria for BPD has been met just by coincidence. But I also feel a little relieved, to know that the reason I've done these things or feel this way is due to a legitimate disorder.
I realise that writing this makes me sound like a freak. I feel like people think I'm immature, a crybaby because of my overreactions. I sound manipulative, hurting myself to get a response from somebody. I probably AM manipulative. I probably DO seek attention. People act like these are the worst things in the world. Don't get me wrong, I feel remorse, and I apologise later, but doesn't everybody want attention? "Oh she's just doing it to get attention" like that's the worst thing? I want to feel loved and cared for, I'm sorry I hurt you and went about it the wrong way. It's what my brain told me to do... I can't help the way my brain thinks. It literally comes up with ideas like "cut yourself at therapy" until it's taken over my whole brain, I keep fantasising and even dreaming about it, until I feel like I need to do it just to get it out of my brain. I wasn't like, "if I get out of bed and cry and cut myself my boyfriend will wake up." It was more, he'd always fall asleep before me and I was in a house that wasn't mine and I'd feel weirdly lonely, it happened almost every night until the tears would hit me, and he'd wake up. Yes I knew that he'd put me to bed so I'd feel comforted. But I didn't neccessarily seek that behaviour out...
I don't want to be like this. I don't want to overreact, and sob, and make a scene. I don't want people thinking I need to grow up. I hate getting older. Everyone thinks I'm about 19. I'm 25.
I don't want to feel like my world's ending because I got upset. To feel like I need to hurt myself badly because 1) I'm upset and 2) I feel bad for feeling upset: guilty/embarrassed/mad at myself, so I need to punish myself.
If I was able to trade it, I would. So that I actually maintain friendships. So that I let new potential romance into my life. So that I'm not lonely. So that I can have a family of my own, without worrying that I'm going to F up my kids or be a burden to my husband.
But at the same time, when my therapist tells me I need to take deep breaths and count slowly before I let the freakout happen, I don't feel like I can do that. Part of me feels like I need to let it overwhelm me and cry and have a big ~episode~. Idk. Maybe that's from years of this happening. From never NOT freaking out. I know it takes a lot of work to be better. Part of me thinks it's all too-hard basket.
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