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Parody Script: The X-Men

posted 4 years ago by AP (5295)
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X-MEN

Wolverine: Hey there, folks. Welcome to my movie franchise! I don’t appear in the first movie until a few scenes in. Don’t get bored in the meantime.

ROGUE’S BEDROOM

Rogue: I’m just a young person who hasn’t realized their mutant powers yet. I’m surrounded by people I love and nothing can go wrong.

Boyfriend: Wanna makeout?

Rogue: Sure!... I kissed a boy and I liked… OH MY GOD WHAT’S HAPPENING TO YOUR FACE?

Boyfriend: Filthy… mutant… I never got to second base!

Rogue: I gotta run away! I sure hope my ability to drain people and steal mutant powers isn’t gonna turn me into a living plot device.

WASHINGTON DC

Jean: Mutants aren’t so bad.

Evil Senator: They’re icky.

(Xavier and Magneto watch the debate)

Xavier: Magneto, we’re old pals. Can’t we agree that humans and mutants can go-exist?

Magneto: I, Magneto, am superior! Mutants are good and humans are bad!

Xavier: Ah gee, you’re not gonna create a mutant terrorist group are ya?

Magneto: I’ll never tell. BWA HA HA HA HA HAAAAA!

CANADA

Wolverine: Whew. I’m finally in this movie. I hope the audience is still here.

Rogue: Just keep talking. Don’t look in the back of your truck.

Wolverine: What are you doing here?

Rogue: I’m just a young person with dangerous powers who’s all on her own.

Wolverine: Oh man, I’m a badass loner character and now I have to protect a young person with dangerous powers. You know what this means, right?

Rogue: No?

Wolverine: It means you’re a walking plot device and any second now, some bad guy is…

Sabertooth: RAAAUUUGH!

Wolverine: See, there we go.

Sabertooth: Grrrrrr!

Wolverine: Hey, you’re a hairy mutant with claws and a healing factor and so am I. Thik there might be some kind of connection there?

Sabertooth: Rwaor?

Wolverine: Yeah, seems like there should be something there. Like we were meant to be enemies or something. No? Kind of a wasted opportunity, but oh well. Maybe in another movie.

(Sabertooth hits Wolverine with a log)

(Cyclops and Storm show up)

Cyclops: I fire lasers from my eyes.

Sabertooth: AAAUUUGGGHH!

X-MEN MANSION

Wolverine: Whoa! Where am I? I’m so confused, yet fierce, I’ll choke the first person I see.

Jean: *choke*

Wolverine: Sorry, hot lady. If I knew you were a hot lady, I wouldn’t have choked you.

Jean: It’s okay. I kinda liked it. Can I call you daddy next time?

Wolverine: What?

Xavier: Wolverine, welcome to the X-Men. This is Xavier’s Home for Gifted Mutants. I am Charles Xavier and you’ve already met Jean Grey. We’re telepaths. This guy over here with the visor is Cyclops.

Cyclops: I date Jean Grey.

Wolverine: Oh, well then you should know I’m gonna sleep with her eventually.

Cyclops: If I had a personality, that would bother me.

Xavier: And this is Storm.

Storm: I have an accent sometimes.

Wolverine: Wow, none of this is interesting. Let’s see what Rogue is up to.

Rogue: Hi, I’m Rogue.

Ice Man: I’m Bobby. I’m the cute boy at school.

Wolverine: Ugh, nevermind. Let’s go to the bad guys’ lair.

BAD GUY LAIR

Magneto: `Tis I, Magneto. I demand a roll call. Sound off!

Mystique: I’m a sexy shapeshifter.

Toad: I was Darth Maul.

Sabertooth: RRRWAAAARRR!

Magneto: Very good. Now, Evil-Chewbacca, did you capture that living plot device like I asked?

Sabertooth: Grr…

Magneto: You failed? Back in the kennel with you! Mystique, did you capture the Evil-Senator?

Mystique: Yes. Now you can use the machine that turns people into mutants.

(Magneto uses the machine that turns people into mutants)

Magneto: Wow, that took a lot out of me. See, this is why I need the child! So she can be the martyr and I can get all the glory!

Evil-Senator: Only now that I’ve been turned into a blob monster, do I see the error of my ways.

Magneto: Well done, Mystique. Now, I need you to go to Xavier's mansion and poison him.

Mystique: It will be done. I mean, it’s not like he’s my adopted brother or anything. That would just be weird.

MANSION …

Rogue: Hi, Bobby. I like your hair.

Mystique as Ice Man: I am, indeed this Bobby person. I’m totally not an evil shapeshifter.

Rogue: So do you wanna go steady?

Mystique as Ice Man: You got dat stank-booty, tho.

Rogue: I can’t believe you would say that. I’m running away again!

Mystique: And now it’s time to poison…

CEREBRO

Xavier: Rogue has run away. I can use Cerebro to track her down. This machine allows me to focus my telepathy to find any mutant in the world.

Wolverine: Who built this thing?

Xavier: Me and Magneto.

Wolverine: He seems to know how your telepathy works. Couldn’t he figure out a method of blocking it?

Xavier: Oh Heavens, no. Anyway, I’ve found Rogue at the train station.

A TRAIN

Rogue: *sob* I don’t have a stank-booty. *cries* Stupid Bobby!

Wolverine: Hey, you gotta get out of here. This is the perfect situation for the bad guys…

Magneto: Guess who?

Wolverine: Aaaand there we go.

[–] AP (5295) 4 years ago

THE STATION

Cyclops: I am searching a train station.

Storm: Be on the lookout for Magneto’s people.

Toad: Did you guys see me in Phantom Menace?

Cyclops: My visor has been knocked off. My laser eyes are out of control.

Sabertooth: GRRAAAAUUGHH!

Storm: Sabertooth! Okay, this is gonna be a major fight. I hope they don’t cut to another scene and -

(cut to another scene)

Magneto: That’s a nice metal skeleton you have!

Wolverine: Ow! Owowowowowowow!

Magneto: You’re coming with me.

Rogue: I could touch you and not only kill you but steal your powers too.

Magneto: Yes? And?

Rogue: I’m not sure what my point was. Anyway, I guess I’m captured.

Magneto: Let’s go everyone!

Sabertooth: Rwar.

Toad: No way, Jose’.

Magneto: What? Oh, Charles and Jean Grey must be mind-controlling them.

Charles: Oh, shucks. Ya got me.

Jean: Why can’t we control Magneto’s mind?

Magneto: Because my helmet, aside from being very chic, protects me from your telepathy. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to take this young girl to my hideout.

Charles: Well, I guess there’s not much else to do.

Jean: We are in control of Toad and Sabertooth, we could still -

Charles: I mean, we’re just so powerless.

[–] AP (5295) 4 years ago

BACK TO THE MANSION

Evil-Senator: I’ve come here because I’m a blob monster and I have nowhere else to go.

Xavier: Magneto’s machine turned him into a blob monster. That’s his plan.

Wolverine: We gotta find Rogue. We need transportation.

Cyclops: I fly planes.

Wolverine: Why are you so boring?

Xavier: I’ll use Cerebro and…. ARGH! Mystique poisoned my machine. I am in a coma so now my unlimited power cannot be used.

Wolverine: I’m wondering how you can poison a machine, but oh well.

Jean: I’ll reboot Cerebro and use it to find Rogue.

Cyclops: I’m showing concern.

Jean: Obviously, I’m gonna be crazy-powerful in the future and go all Phoenix and shit. This is foreshadowing, Scott. Geez!

Evil-Senator: I’m still a blob monster, you guys.

Storm: Despite the fact you were passing anti-mutant legislation, I feel sorry for you. Perhaps it’s because, like you, I was also afraid of humans. I think it goes back to -

Evil-Senator: Whoa, that’s enough personality for one movie. Who do you think you are, Wolverine?

Storm: I know right. I almost forgot this was his movie.

Wolverine: No one should ever forget that.

Storm: LOL!

Evil-Senator: Haw haw haw haaaaauuuugghghh… OH MY GOD NO!

Storm: He turned to mush! That machine doesn’t work at all.

Jean: And Magneto will use it at the Statue of Liberty where a bunch of world leaders are gonna be. Let’s go! But first, we need to get Wolverine in a skintight rubber suit. I’ll make sure to monitor him as he puts it on.

STATUE OF LIBERTY

Cyclops: Okay, we’re here. I am the leader so I will let Wolverine make all the plans.

Wolverine: The plan is I’m gonna have an awesome fight scene with Mystique and you guys are gonna stand around and be useless.

Cyclops: Okay.

(Wolverine fights Mystique)

[–] AP (5295) 4 years ago

Storm: Now what?

Toad: You might also recognize me from the GI Joe movies. I played Snake-Eyes.

Storm: There’s one of him and three of us. Cyclops shoots lasers, Jean is a telepath and I can control the weather. Meanwhile, Toad just hops around. There’s no way he can beat us.

(Toad beats the crap out of them)

Storm: Nevermind… You know what happens to a toad when it’s struck by lightning? The same thing that happens to everything else.

Joss Whedon: I wrote this line but I accept none of the blame.

Wolverine: I’m back from defeating Mystique. What did I miss?

Sabertooth: ROOOAAARRR!

Cyclops: Sabertooth. Now what?

Wolverine: I’m gonna have an awesome fight scene with Sabertooth and you guys are gonna stand around and be useless.
Cyclops: Okay.

(Wolverine fights Sabertooth)

Jean: Wow, it’s amazing seeing you all sweaty and grunting during your fight.

Wolverine: I know. Now, Magneto is at the top with his machine and Rogue. He’s gonna have Rogue absorb his power to use the machine. It’ll kill her and turn everyone into blob monsters.

Cyclops: So… ?

Wolverine: I’m gonna destroy the machine and you guys will stand around being useless.

Jean: Can I help?

Wolverine: Yeah, I guess you can help me get up to the top.

Jean: I meant “can I help you out of the costume”,... but yeah, we can help you destroy the machine.

(Wolverine destroys the machine)

Rogue: The stress of being used as a plot device has left me with a grey streak. Like in the comics.

Xavier: I have recovered from my coma.

Mystique: I’m alive and posing as the Evil Senator.

Magneto: I am playing chess in prison with Xavier.

Xavier: It’s great that we’re still pals. Just two buddies playing chess.

Magneto: Until I escape and try to kill everyone that is. Tee-hee.

Xavier: Sorry, what did you say?

Magneto: Nothing. Your move.

Wolverine: And now that I have saved the days with no help whatsoever from those X-people, I’m gonna go out and find my origins.

Jean: What a guy.

END