Disorder in the American Courts.....
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the
moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually
active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does
it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it
affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us
an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter
has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true
that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know
about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar
exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the
twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like
your IQ.
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your
picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of
the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at
that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
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ATTORNEY: She had three children,
right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a
different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage
terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it
terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the
individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and
had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town
I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this
morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your
attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I
go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your
autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put
up too much of a fight.
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be
oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that
you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around
8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at
the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I
finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a
urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that
question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed
the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood
pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that
the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure,
Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting
on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient
have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he
could have been alive and practicing law!