Martin's Wedding Speech

My sister always got away with everything and I always got punished. Whenever Dad told Claudia off, she'd say "But Daddy, I love you." and he'd give her a great big hug and say "You're a good girl really." I tried it myself once. But when I said "But Daddy, I love you." my Dad went bright red and screamed "FOR CHRIST SAKE ACT LIKE A MAN NOT A GREAT WOOLY WOOFTER!" Then he gave me a clip round the ear and made me do a thousand press ups and stopped my pocket money for five years. I should have realised then that all women are bastards. Mandy's as bad as the rest of them. Still, if Archie wants to marry her, it's his lookout. Anyway, ladies and gentlemen I'd like to propose a toast, will you raise your glasses please to Mandy and Archie.

Often forgotten, but such a classic.