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Things I have learned from watching On Deadly Ground

posted 19 years ago by Denny_the_Dinosaur
29 replies | jump to latest

1. The best way to confront a bully is to play Hot Hands with him.

2. In changing a man's outlook on race relations, one must recite an aftershave commercial.

3. Every Inuit/eskimo tribe has a snowmobile in case of emergency.

4. Do not call Steven Seagal "cupcake".

5. There are no police in Alaska, just eskimos and oil workers.

6. It is necessary for a troubleshooter for an oil corporation to have a third world country's supply of explosives in his home.

7. Instead of shooting your target, you should get close enough to him so that he could snatch your gun away and in turn, shoot you.

8. A man should litter the landscape with dead thugs and blow up an oil rig, just so that he can help save the environment.

9. Whenever the EPA needs a spokesperson, they can count on an explosives-proficient vigilante.

Let's settle this like men. I challenge you to a tanning contest!

[–] Lawdog1527 19 years ago

10. Tan leather jackets with "fringe" on the arms never go out of style.

11. Michael Caine and a Taiwanese hooker have a lot in common. They'll both do anything for money.

[–] KnatLouie 19 years ago

12. Ivory sticks can be lethal torture instruments as well as nice decorations.

13. If you don't own a silencer, an empty plastic bottle ductaped around the mussle of your gun will do great as a substitute.

14. R. Lee Ermey always knows how to deliver memorable quotes.

15. When the *beep* hits the fan, the best way to cope with the problems and heighten the morale, is to continuesly curse and swear at your hired workers.

[–] prodigy-13 19 years ago

16. Steve Seagal put elderly men in wheelchairs

17. Native Americans always talk in allegories

18. Blue collar oil workers willingly give up their lives for the companies they work for.

[–] Lawdog1527 19 years ago

19. In order to prevent the tragic results of an oil company accidentally releasing oil into the environment, it's best to blow up the whole facility. Really, how much damage could that do?

20. When acting, facial expressions are overrated. (Taken directly from the Steven Segal handbook for thespians.)

21. If a facility has only one vulnerable spot that will destroy the whole thing, it's best to disburse your men everywhere but that special spot.

22. After blowing up an oil refinery the government won't consider you to be a terrorist. Feel free to give speeches at various functions.

[–] camruud 19 years ago

23. Somtimes, it takes some time to change the essense of a man.

24. Steven Seagal used to be a good man, now he`s nothing but a whore.

25. For 350 000 dollars, Steven Seagal f---s anything once.

26. Quotes from Michael Caine does fit well in a death metal song.

27. If you got a big pair of balls between your legs, you can consider yourself a man.

28. To defeat the bad guys, you must teach them to fear the bear.

[–] devilduck81 19 years ago

29. you shouldnt have relations with Joan Chen

30. villians look for the hardest ways to kill the hero, instead of just shooting them while their in the crapper

31. Joan Chen could tell the future "i will watch u die"

32. its easier to hit segal with pipes and wrenches than to shoot him

[–] 19 years ago

[deleted]

[–] Lawdog1527 19 years ago

34. Steven Seagal plans his attacks brilliantly. "I'm going to plant the explosives here in the preventer, it will explode, and that will prevent the oil spill."

35. R. Lee Emery feels it necessary to provide needles exposition to his own men. Such as telling a sniper the high ground is best. I'm sure they never covered that in sniper school.

36. Forrest likes his bullets clean. His girlfriend like them dirty.

37. If your going to kill a man, leave the stock of your gun in. It'll make you feel good about yourself. (I have to admit, I liked Billy Bob's line. If only he had said it in a better movie.)

[–] 19 years ago

[deleted]

[–] OnslaughtHulk 18 years ago

38.When Steven Seagel stands up,everyone gasps in fear all at once.

"Truth is a subjective concept"

[–] Theo Robertson 18 years ago

39 .. Oil companies use toy helicopters

40. Violent vigilante eco warriors wear boots made out of crocadile skin

[–] Diestro_Consone 18 years ago

41. Horses can clear a 30-50 foot rivine-with riders and their' gear.

42. Even eskimos have topless dancers.

[–] 2tuff2die 18 years ago

43. In this kind of situation Steven always has to blow it... ...and he has got to blow it now.

44. Helicopters are death machines, never use one when you are around Steven, or he will use it against you.

45. When you set Steven up, always give him enough time and clues before you blow the place up, in fact give him just enough time to realise that he's actually being set up so that he can escape the explosion. And don't search the area immediately for his body while you are there, return to base first to send a team to go search for him later.

46. A burning oil barrel is ideal for lighting your cigar

[–] 18 years ago

[deleted]

[–] jtd2891 17 years ago

49. Even thought its the mid-1990's, the eskimoes/"Native Americans" will still dress like extras for a John Ford western.

50. Said eskimoes also have only one facial expression: stoic.

51. Michael Caine apparently had such a terrible booze/gambling/hooker/cocaine problem in 1993, that he needed to co-star in this piece of *beep* for a little extra cash.

52. Despite starring ONLY in gratuitously violent action films, Steven Seagal is a "serious" actor who cares about such pressing socio-political issues as, like, helping the environment... or something, you know?

53. Al Gore got his inspiration for "An Inconvenient Truth" from the speech at the end.

54. John C. McGinley should've stuck to Oliver Stone films.

"Never rat on your friends, and always, ALWAYS keep your mouth shut."

[–] StarWarsIsForKids 16 years ago

55. Steven Seagal killed a horse with an explosive. Oh, and the rider.

[–] suffocate453 16 years ago

56. Steven Seagal will take a "spiritual journey" with naked Eskimos and will then refer to it as "hocus pocus"

57. With Steven Seagal, mousetraps are always useful in tandem with tripwires

58. Steven Seagal is not the student, he is the professor

[–] carpet_seller 16 years ago

59. Steven is strong enough to grasp hold of a steam pipe with his bare hands, and break it off in a 5 foot length, to use as a convenient weapon.

[–] washboard 16 years ago

Always smoke a cigar when you arrive at a leaking oil well. Make sure you throw the lit cigar on to the ground. In these circumstances flammable volatile gases will not explode.

[–] yowchunfat 15 years ago

61. Steven Seagal is the kind of guy who would drink a gallon of gasoline so he can pi$$ on your campfire.

62. You could drop Steven Seagal off at the Arctic circle wearin' nothin but his underwear and without his toothbrush and tomorrow morning he's gonna be standin' by your poolside with a million dollar smile and a fistful of pesos.

62. There is no 'I' in 'Team'. It is T.E.A.M, 'team'!

63. Sometimes, modern guys are a little too modern for their own f#*kin' good.

[–] 15 years ago

[deleted]

[–] UltimatePyro9 14 years ago

64. Alaska is a Third World Country.

"Me and squirrel are friends" ~ GIR

[–] Koosh_King01 14 years ago

65. Commenting on how easy you found something will get you and others killed.

66. After finding a vital clue to your quarry's whereabouts, don't proceed there immediately. Return home to swap your tired goons out for fresh ones, helicopter fuel be damned.

67. When cornered by Steven Seagal, you'd better have all the incriminating evidence against your boss on hand right then and there, or else you're dead meat.

68. Turtlenecks and heavy wool jackets are appropriate, professional dress for highly-paid thugs in a multi-billion dollar oil company, even when attending board meetings and press conferences.

"I mean, really, how many times will you look under Jabba's manboobs?"

[–] jdkraus 13 years ago

69. You can drive snowmobile from the north of Alaska to the south without having to refuel.

70. Never hold a knife facing up, it'll end up going into your eye and spurting out of the back of your head.

71. Watch where you drive, you might avoid an oil tank.

72. If a henchmen in a Seagal film, swear as much as you can, because you're going to die anyway.

73. Put Joan Chen and Seagal in eskimo outfits; they will automatically become true hearted eskimos.

74. Bad guys in a Seagal film always have terrible accuracy.

[–] jdkraus 13 years ago

I should also add:

75. Seagal solves everything with either: explosives, guns, or his hands.

76. Seagal passionately hates Michael Caine: "Your a piece of sh!t Michael, scum of the earth."

77. With a trip on some very powerful drugs, it can change Seagal's outlook on the environment.

[–] ha-rob 13 years ago

78. A bear will always claim to be a mouse hiding from an ox in the house of a crow.

79. Seagal takes himself very seriously

80. Michael Caine will do anything for money

There are two kinds of people in the world my friend those with loaded guns and those who dig

[–] gregforttmags 12 years ago

81. Don't put your hand on a deer's backside.

82. Steven Seagal isn't above hitting men with glasses.

83. All Native Americans are good horseriders.

84. Steven Seagal, retired from his black ops career, is paranoid enough to illicitly stockpile enough explosive and firearms for a platoon.

85. Michael Caine is a Cockney Texan .

[–] bringerofdoom-116-249047 11 years ago

86: When you're working with Michael Caine and you're giving him instructions, he'll get pissed and tells you he's going to do things his own way... after which he immediatly asks you what to do. (the scene where he's making the commercial with his men)

[–] poopfock 11 years ago

Eskimos, Japanese, Chinese, and Native Americans are all the same.