100 things I've learned from White Men Can't Jump

44. Billy has the luck of the Irish... only he isn't Irish

43 Wesley Snipes can't act

1. WHITE MEN CAN'T JUMP!
/thread

SIKE!!

42) Billy's old man was a preacher. He loves this *beep*
41) If Sidney don't take care of his people...who will?!
40) That apparently "Go back to Seaworld!" is a badass put-down over in Watts. No one knows why. (Perhaps the blacks really don't like Shamu. Or maybe they're allergic to trained dolphins. We're still don't know.)
39) 5 syllables: "Seb-um-teen... HUN-et!" Awesome.
38) "We goin' Sizz-la! We goin' Sizz-la!" is the best assumed-victory chant of all time. I mean, like, EVER. Try it. (Bonus: Anyone who "gets it" will be your friend for life. Guaranteed.)
37) That, for Sidney, it's: "Hard work! Hard goddam work for one-man-to-make-another-man-look-so-bad!"
36) That Sidney calling your mother an astronaut is just another way of saying you all *beep* up.
35) That Billy's mother was too drunk to be an astronaut.
34) That if it's really 9-8 us, I'ma go home and kill myself and I don't wanna do that!
33) That Billy MAY BE a chump. . . he just said that wasn't his name. (Classic.)

"Utah! Get me two!"

32) One time, Michael Jordan came down to the beach... and Sidney took him to the HOLE! He said, "You should play some of pro league!" And Sidney said No! Hell no! *beep* might mess up his game! *beep* up his game and we can't have it, Billy Ho!
31) That if Billy misses a shot, he walks away, and he's still a chump. But if Sidney misses, then he's been beaten, well, not once, but TWICE, by a slow. white. geeky. chump.

"Utah! Get me two!"

30) Billy never said he didn't like the song, he just wondered why a "negro was singing cowboy music."
29) If you owe the Stucci brothers 8 grand, the debt can be payed off by being photographed while playing dead, and paying maybe one quarter of the amount.
28) "It" didn't happen again. "It" doesn't happen. Billy happens. (losing all of the money)
27) If your loser boyfriend is forbidding you to hitchhike in LA, just point out that his carpet is on fire.
26) If you collect all of Willie's bricks, you can make a house for his homeless mother to live in. And his sister.

just a recap:::

100. When a man loses his money, he cannot ask for it back.
99. If you know a security guard on the "lot" you can make a half court shot and get your girl on Jeopardy.
98. At the VISTA VIEW apartments there is no VISTA, No VIEW and there certainly isn't any VISTA VIEW.
97. If you need money for a game, you can grab your girl's $300.00 necklace then take her to zales afterwards............
96. You have no problem hustle people who you meet every day (Snipes and the knife-guy).
95. Sometimes when you win, you really lose, and sometimes when you lose, you really win, and sometimes when you win or lose, you actually tie, and sometimes when you tie, you actually win or lose. Winning or losing is all one organic mechanism, from which one extracts what one needs.

94. White people can't hear Jimi Hendrix, and oddly enough Jimi's drummer was white.
93. Black people would rather look good and lose, than look bad and win.
92. There are far too many foods that start with the letter Q, and all of them sound just as unappetizing.
91. Screwing is for carpenters.
90. Don't mess with the Stucci brothers!!!
89. Rosie perez has lovely jabs
88. Police will tell you the obvious"Burgulars,who do you think"
87. That it's pretty...it's so pretty...
86. That when a woman says she's thirsty, she's not asking you to bring her a glass of water...she wants you to sympathize that you too know what it's like to be thirsty...
85. Basketball is too easy!! No, no, no, its TOO EASY!!
84. Most guys don't play good when their mad.
83. Just listen to the woman.
82. Lee Harvey Oswald's last words were "it wasnt me it was the CI..UGH..."
81. Out here at the beach, baby, the wind can push the ball to the left or the right six or eigth inches.
80. White men can't jump
79. Never call someone's mother an astronaut.
78. You can't hitchhike, this is LA.
77. Listening & hearing are two different things.
76. Babe Ruth isn't a basket ball player.
75. Sidney Deane looks like the cream of wheat guy.
74. Aunt Bee better have Duanes bean pie or he will kick her @ss.
73. You either smoke or you get smoked and Billy got smoked.
72. Sidney don't mean to brag... but he is the greatest!
71. White people arent allowed in crenshaw, but i dont know about puerto ricans...
70. If you have 850 bucks and a 300$ piece of schit (1150$) then sydney deane has no problem making an uneven bet of 1700$ against your eleven fifty.
69. Sidney took Michael Jordan to the hole and Jordan said Sidney should play in the NBA. Sidney told Jordan no (HELL NO) because the NBA might mess up his game.
68. Teammates can't hustle each other because it's not artistic.
67. Sidney doesn't mind hustling guys that are on parole (Raymond).
66. You can put a cat in the oven, but that don't make it a biscuit.
65. Sidney and Junior didn't get to go to the Sizzler.
64. Sometimes a sun shines on a dog's ass...
63. If you sing a romantic song to your girlfriend she will take you back.
64. If your girlfriend tells you that not to play ball anymore and you continue to play ball, don't tell her that is where your going.
63. Basketball does not put food on the table.
62. Don't mess with Robert's money.
61. Your money is safe as long as the bakery isn't open.
60. If you lose all your money a 'stupid hoochie mama dress will not make up for the fact of losing all the money.'
59. When Gloria gets mad wonders how many moons are on pluto.
58. Junior is not the Bank of America.
57. It's all about respect, Billy.
56. Gloria is not getting shot over Billy's debt or whoever's freaking debt it is.
55. Women know stuff.
54] You can listen to the woman, but you don't have to agree with her.
53] Anybody can win the lottery
52] Basketball isn't a real job.
51] Anytime your in a room with Billy Hoyle with a glass of water, he'll want a sip.
50). If you need cash quick rob your local convenience store. if the cashier recognizes you, you can try changing your voice and saying it isn't you. If that doesn't work you can always sell the gun for $250.
49). When making a half court shot, you can't punt it up there.
48). If you win a 2 on 2 tournament, you don't get to keep the big trophy, your name goes on it and you get a little one.
47). After sex, Puerto Rican women wear Everlast workout shirts.
46). When betting that you can dunk, it is unacceptable to get a boost.
45). The best way to get your opponent off their game is to tell a bunch of yo momma jokes.
44). Billy has the luck of the Irish... only he isn't Irish
43) Wesley Snipes can't act
42) Billy's old man was a preacher. He loves this *beep*
41) If Sidney don't take care of his people...who will?!
40) That apparently "Go back to Seaworld!" is a badass put-down over in Watts. No one knows why. (Perhaps the blacks really don't like Shamu. Or maybe they're allergic to trained dolphins. We're still don't know.)
39) 5 syllables: "Seb-um-teen... HUN-et!" Awesome.
38) "We goin' Sizz-la! We goin' Sizz-la!" is the best assumed-victory chant of all time. I mean, like, EVER. Try it. (Bonus: Anyone who "gets it" will be your friend for life. Guaranteed.)
37) That, for Sidney, it's: "Hard work! Hard goddam work for one-man-to-make-another-man-look-so-bad!"
36) That Sidney calling your mother an astronaut is just another way of saying you all *beep* up.
35) That Billy's mother was too drunk to be an astronaut.
34) That if it's really 9-8 us, I'ma go home and kill myself and I don't wanna do that!
33) That Billy MAY BE a chump. . . he just said that wasn't his name. (Classic.)
32) One time, Michael Jordan came down to the beach... and Sidney took him to the HOLE! He said, "You should play some of pro league!" And Sidney said No! Hell no! *beep* might mess up his game! *beep* up his game and we can't have it, Billy Ho!
31) That if Billy misses a shot, he walks away, and he's still a chump. But if Sidney misses, then he's been beaten, well, not once, but TWICE, by a slow. white. geeky. chump.
30) Billy never said he didn't like the song, he just wondered why a "negro was singing cowboy music."
29) If you owe the Stucci brothers 8 grand, the debt can be payed off by being photographed while playing dead, and paying maybe one quarter of the amount.
28) "It" didn't happen again. "It" doesn't happen. Billy happens. (losing all of the money)
27) If your loser boyfriend is forbidding you to hitchhike in LA, just point out that his carpet is on fire.
26) If you collect all of Willie's bricks, you can make a house for his homeless mother to live in. And his sister.

25)If there is ever one white guy in a large group of black people it is always assumed that the white guy is the worst basketball player there

24)
drinking 'Stolichnaya' vodka is alright if you've been studying for Jeopardy all day, or if you're at Sidney's house

23. 'The King and 'The Duck' are really old.

[deleted]

[deleted]

22. A thing of beauty is a joy forever.
21. Junior's man John Keats said that. John Keats that's his man.
20. Billy never hits 3 in a row.
19. Billy gets annoyed pacing around hotels rooms and while brushing passed a plant.
18. Your shoes can't be "pumped up" while engaging in a bet.
17. Billy has a hard enough time passing gas let alone passing a basketball behind his back.
16. According to Raymond it's okay to hustle as long as you don't use "no goofy white mother &*cker" like Billy.
15. Billy thinks it's cool to be called a goofy white mother &*cker if the person saying it is swinging a blade at him.
14. Billy better get his a$$ across the border before sundown.
13. Sidney is full of $*it but is also a good guy.
12. Sidney finds desperate to be ugly.
11. Changing someone's last name from Hoyle to "Ho" catches on real quickly.
10. According to Billy, Flight and Willie work at a mason's convention.



It's all for L.O.V.E.

9. Wesley Snipes is a black hole. Light doesn't escape his surface.
8. Mr. March of Dimes is the single best line of trash talk I have ever heard.
7. White men can only jump when they're being filmed from the waist up.
6. You determine if a basket is regulation by sticking your head through the hoop.
5. Ghana is easier to hit than Sudan.
4. Woody is awesome.

___________________________________
I didn't like the Godfather, so what?

3. Never play a George Jones song when you are cruising through the hood in a convertable.
2. It is acceptable to call your girlfriend a psycho, Chiquita nut case when she makes you get out of bed for water and then refuses it.
1. Even if you had Bernard King, Sidney's team will still score two and be out. Hopefully his wife wont interupt.

100.White men can use hair follicals to accurately measure air speed
99. When woman of color are standing in front of the TV set...it is best to keep your mouth shut


"Vive la mort, vive la guerre, vive le sacre mercenaire."

98. If you ask when we're going to the Sizzler too much, you might get this response: Oh man shut your anorexic malnutrition tapeworm-having overdose on Dick Gregory Bahamian diet-drinking ass up. Leave me alone!

It's true that I never read responses.

32) When Billy woke up that first morning, the birds were singing.
31) Junior is convinced that Billy was a geek, whatever the reason may be.
30) You won't be running when your bunions hurt.
29) Robert was a dog, most likley from day one.
28) Robert would prefer that you not grab money out of his hand.
27) You either smoke or you get smoked.
26) Billy doesn't hustle with people who are dishonest.
25) Raymond doesn't belee dis, man. He doesn't belee dis.



========================================
Get outta here ya half-a-sissy 'for I give ya a slap.