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Things I've learnt from watching Universal Soldier.

posted 18 years ago by bohdave
23 replies | jump to latest

Note: Don't get me wrong, I love Universal Soldier. This is just a topic intended to generate a few light-hearted, tongue-in-cheek laughs.

Anyway, things I've learnt from watching this film. Please feel free to add more.

1) Two of the best soldiers in the US Army are Belgian and Swedish respectively.

2) UniSols who have no need to eat will still have stomachs large enough to accomodate at least half a dozen "specials" with no obvious bloating visible from the outside. They are also known to chew on large slabs of raw meat for no apparent reason.

3) ...UniSols are also capable of eating this large amount of food in the time it takes a reporter to make a phone call.

4) Grenades explode instantly if they land outside of a prison bus but take upwards of 20 seconds to explode if they land inside.

5) An entire police task force can converge and deploy secretly behind a bus.

6) If your unit sergeant has gone crazy and wasted an entire innocent Vietnamese village, most of his own men AND has just shot you in the leg, it's best to charge him with your bayonet rather than shoot him from a distance.

7) If a tech comes up to your chair to check the readings, the proper response is to impale his head.

8) Your average UniSol does not think an order from his commander asking him to blow himself up with a grenade is strange.

9) ...Grenades are also stored unprotected and unsecured in open compartments.

10) Hiding in a car trunk will protect you from an exploding gas station.

11) Reanimated dead soldiers can kill quickly and efficiently and can drive vehicles but do not know what a penis is.

12) If you break into an occupied room in a motel, the occupants will probably be having sex (see also Commando).

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I may be a tiny chimney-sweep but I've got an enormous brush.

[–] bluemouth5 18 years ago

Hahahaha. Good work on picking up probably every one of those in this movie, which seriously isn't that bad. The ending was great.

[–] 18 years ago

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[–] bohdave 18 years ago

16) Don't stand near to someone who claims to have a necklace made out of noses as you will likely get kicked in the head.

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I may be a tiny chimney-sweep but I've got an enormous brush.

[–] 18 years ago

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[–] 18 years ago

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[–] powerman611 18 years ago

17) GR44 can undress, gather ice, cool-off completely, and get dressed again in the time it takes other unisols to walk one block.

18) After killing cops at the supermarket and making the news, one can still roam the country freely in huge semi truck armed with machine guns and grenades.

19) A top-secret military encampemnt will not have good security, so you can drive right up to it in a station wagon.

20) The Humvee does not exist in the Unisol Universe. The army uses old jeeps and blazers.

21) ARMY colonels use leutenants as personal drivers.

22) ARMY colonels ride in old cadillacs.

23) The pentagon has no control over some of its brass, who can secretly reanimate dead soldiers from Vietnam.

[–] snake-plissken89 18 years ago

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha......brilliant!!

aren't you a little young for full contact?...aren't you a little old for videogames?

[–] nicholash 18 years ago

Steroids can cool your body off if it is danger of overheating

Apparently, Van Damme and the Reporter were not "having fun" on the bus

It's either kick a$$ or kiss a$$

Only Swedish swimming and martial art experts can survive going headfirst over a huge cliff in an 18 wheeler

[–] Blindjustice81 18 years ago

"8) Your average UniSol does not think an order from his commander asking him to blow himself up with a grenade is strange. " Bohdave

I thought that scene was hilarious!! How he puts his hand out lightning quick for the grenade. LOL!

25) Unisols will just stand and stair at a fire, that will turn into an explosion, unless commands are given to get out.

[–] powerman611 18 years ago

-reporters don't arrive with the camera crew, they take their own cars.

-a news network will fire you in the morning and still let you do one last report.

-don't expect a unisol to pay for his meal(s).

-don't bother a unisol while he's eating that(those) meal(s).

-a town local is an excellent alternative to a pool cue.

-don't tell unisols that the "mission is over."

-if you want to clear memory in unisols, then it's absolutely necessary to announce the process and tell them to press the button themselves, and they'll obey.

-there's only one way to find out if the button works.

-it works.

[–] Blindjustice81 18 years ago

I learned that Unisols get their bodies either a) waxed, or b) shaved for some reason... Cause none of them got a hair on their body unless ya count their heads. LOL

[–] Spifflock_Holmes 18 years ago

People born and raised in Louisiana have Belgian accents.

Even if their parents don't.

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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

[–] Spifflock_Holmes 18 years ago

A UniSol who has been ordered to hold a grenade for thirty seconds cannot then also be ordered to relax his grip on it.

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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

[–] bioboom_88 17 years ago

Damn, you guys all bring up some funny s#it. But powerman611 offered my favorite post thus far: 'After killing cops at the supermarket and making the news, one can still roam the country freely in huge semi truck armed with machine guns and grenades.' My side hurts because I'm STILL laughing!!

[–] drewganov 17 years ago

- Secret government documents should be used against UniSols, even if uneffective.

- Only two reanimated soldier can have memories from their past because all the others were killed under no stress.

- Always use the prefix GR when referring to UniSols by number.

- Police / SWAT Snipers have no idea what Austrailian style repelling is.

- Even though records are either stolen or blown up, Sarge can still remember where you live.

- Colonel Perry is slow on the draw.

- The name Brenda has to be said slow.

- An old rundown gas station has enough ice to fill two car trunks.

- Sarge cares enough about his men to try to cool them down, but not enough to warn them of an explosion.

[–] drewganov 17 years ago

- You should try to hide under your cowboy hat after all your large buddies get their a$$es kicked by one guy.

[–] Spifflock_Holmes 17 years ago

Someone tracking your movements via infrared surveillance closely enough to tell what room you're in will nevertheless not notice if you double back and climb into a bed with another couple. [EDIT: This one is actually explained in the movie -- the guy doing the monitoring steps away from the panel for a moment.]

A series of rapidly consumed plates of food that would cause an ordinary human stomach to expand to twice its normal size will not cause even a little bit of abdominal distension in a UniSol -- and in fact won't even slow him down in a fight against a roomful of big burly assailants.

Richard Nixon aged a lot between the 1960s and the 1990s, but Jerry Orbach didn't.

A trained, combat-tested soldier trying to kill you with a hand grenade will usually time his throws so that you have ample opportunity to toss the grenade back. It's only fair.

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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

[–] Aylmer 17 years ago

- if someone's eaten a whole bunch in a back-country truck stop and refused to pay, this is the process:

The cook shall come out and beat you up.

If you beat the cook up instead, everyone else in the bar will instantly become your enemy and step up to aid the cook. It's a small town, so they're likely all personally invested in whether the restaurant turns a profit or not. This will likely cause them to lose rational thought and attack a well-built martial arts champion, even if they themselves are fat and out of shape. They will still only attack one at a time so the star can focus on beating each one up while the rest wait their turn.

Then, if you beat them up instead (and throw one through a glass window), you can just walk out and drive away, no questions asked... and noone will bother trying to get your license plate number, and police don't follow fugitives across state lines.

- Military colonels can somehow appropriate taxpayer funds to pay for a big truck, several scientists, and for dead bodies to be reanimated over the course of 20 years... AND still be only a colonel... without the knowledge of anyone higher up at the Pentagon.

- "The war is over."

[–] jamasian_man 17 years ago

Instant steroid injections of the future

Soldiers like steak really rare

Everyone gets perfect head shots

He just wants to eat

Don't kiss the regenerated soldier, that classifies you as a necrophiliac

Luc's dad doesn't seem as happy seeing Luc after 25 years of thinking he's dead

Smoking is bad

Dolph Lundgren can say SOLdier about 50 times and it never gets old

[–] Bri821 17 years ago

Hotels also have enough ice to fill up a whole bathtub.

naked men walking out of their room and falling on the ground doesn't alarm anyone. It just makes horny grandmothers raise their eyebrows.

Showing Van Damns ass for 20 seconds is not cool

A unisol never has to use the bathroom after inhaling food.

A small reporter can drag a 200 lbs man 40 feet and place him in a tub.

The reporter girl has 3 brothers

By hyper Accelerating a dead person it turns dead flesh into living flesh, but risk getting a stroke or overheating. The only way they can be controlled is by commands, because their brain is frozen.

Unisols can swim a mile in 4 minutes 30 seconds but still be 8 seconds behind schedule.

The black Unisol really gets his ass kicked in this one

50 dollars gets you a room with a working phone

Unisols don't eat or exercise but can still maintain excellent muscle

Unisols are extremely strong, but if their headphones/radio's are removed they will do whatever the person in front of them tells them, or not listen to anyone and start giving the orders.

Waitresses are rude to people who aren't sure what they want to order

The big Unisol is half retarded

Big Army Buses have much more room inside of them then what it seems.

[–] Spifflock_Holmes 16 years ago

There are two ways to cool down an overheating UniSol: ice, and an exciting bus chase in the Utah desert.

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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

[–] drewganov 16 years ago

It's not supposed to be there.

Check points One, Two, and Three are all clear.

They're everywhere.

"Grab the handle push the buttonnngghhhh."
"Let go of your own throat, Hank."
Black House = Socialism

[–] kaiserblade 8 years ago

Luc just wants to eat.