A steaming loaf on two wheels!

I like Charlie Sheen and I had always heard how good this movie was, but I just saw it for the first time and I was blown away by how badly it....blows. I normally wouldn't bother to bash a movie, I just ignore the ones I don't like and move on, but this one requires comment (not really, I just feel like it).

Actually, Leon Rippy was good in this, as was Linda Fiorentino, given what little she had to work with, but absolutely nobody else came out smelling better than a pile of outlaw bikers.

The lowlights: cartoonish and buffoonish characters abound (all of them, even Michael Madsen's); totally nonsensical behavior by practically every character in every scene (a certain amount must be expected from Hollywood but this was a clean sweep -- every scene contained ridiculous acts that would never occur in real life); laughably bad dialogue thoughout; and improbabilities too numerous to list.

Okay, I could almost tolerate all that -- it's the way most mainstream movies are made -- but this was supposed to have been based on a true story. Even given the fact they had to spice it up to make it more interesting than life actually is, this movie had not one ounce of reality. Take his undercover car: a Ford LTD with a squawking police radio. Even if it has an "off" switch it could never be used for undercover work -- even if it were in a non-police car. And the big fat biker crying and actually begging for his life as he urinates down his pant leg. He wouldn't have been seen wearing colors again after that.

And WHAT is with that stooopid back story about the guy's uncle the cop handcuffing and beating him as a 7-year-old? (Don't try to explain it, please, I KNOW what it was, because like everything else in this movie it lacked even the slightest amount of subtlety). More than just a wee bit over the top, it screams "DUMBSH!T scriptwriter and hack director here!" Yeah, yeah, there had to be drama, but that was simply ludicrous.

The final scene of Charlie stripping down and walking into the desert toward nothing has to rank as one of the silliest moments in movie history. This director is so lame. Symbolism? Try blatantly screaming at us next time. I doubt even the dumbest drunk who has ever watched this movie didn't get it. (I recommend watching this movie in that condition if one must.) That scene was so bad I almost puked, and it was made all the more so by Sheen trying to flex his nearly existent lats (and his personal trainer had the shameless gall to take a credit at the end of this film). Nobody ever mistook Charlie for a scrawny weasel but he shouldn't have done the bodybuilder pose.

But I almost cried when the puka shell necklace landed in the dirt. Puka shell necklaces are still a required part of 'the uniform' for ALL 1% bikers, aren't they? How else can anyone look tough and scary without puka shells? Unless you happen to be lucky enough to have a grandmother who will lend you her pearls. Actually, I did cry (with laughter) when I first saw he was wearing it.