MovieChat Forums > The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (1992) Discussion > Monologue jokes

Monologue jokes

posted 15 years ago by a_l_i_e_n
382 replies | jump to latest

"The economy's bad. Guy went to a bank to ask for a loan, the banker said "we were just about to ask you the same thing".

"The economy's so bad I saw Mrs. Fields today selling Girl Scout cookies."

"I saw a guy at Cosco buying one roll of toilet paper."

"A guy on Hollywood Boulevard said to a hooker 'what can I get for an extra 50?'
The hooker said '100 shares of General Motors.'

"The ecomomy's bad. I saw a kid at Halloween buying a pumpkin, for food."

"Kids are getting too fat. The only way a kid gets a 4.0 these days is on the Richter Scale."

"Kids are getting so fat when baby carriages back up they beep."

"These days instead of pony rides kids are getting fork lift rides."

"Kids are getting so fat whales are starting to go kid watching."

"Kids are getting so fat Sesame Street's just been widened."

"Snap crackle and pop used to be the sound Rice Krispies made. Now it's what you hear when a kid tries to do up his pants."

"These tough new immigration laws are terrible. They even forced one guy to move his show from 11 o'clock to midnight."

[–] a_l_i_e_n 15 years ago

re: immigration.

"The state of Arizona has a new slogan: 'get out'."

[–] cjoklb 15 years ago

"Kids are getting so fat whales are starting to go kid watching."

Pathetic. I bet a joke like this really had the Leno audience in stitches, though.

[–] noogyburger 15 years ago

That doesn't even make sense. Is he saying people go whale-watching because the whales are fat?

squirrels, lightbulbs, spaghettios

[–] a_l_i_e_n 15 years ago

He's saying people watch whales because of their immense size, and now the kids are so big even the whales are amazed. But you knew what he meant.

[–] noogyburger 15 years ago

meh.

squirrels, lightbulbs, spaghettios

[–] petermc720 15 years ago

Good stuff, thanks for posting!

This space is reserved for my signature!

[–] simpsonman 15 years ago

what does getting a 4.0 mean?

When you understand why you dismiss all other gods, you will understand why I dismiss yoursƒ

[–] 15 years ago

[deleted]

[–] simpsonman 15 years ago

thats what i thought but i had to ask because what kind of $hitty comic intertwines an intelligence pun into an obesity joke

When you understand why you dismiss all other gods, you will understand why I dismiss yoursƒ

[–] a_l_i_e_n 15 years ago

Kid's schoolastic ratings are low,

kids' seismic ratings due to being overweight are high.

That's about the most direct way to explain it. *shrug*

[–] simpsonman 15 years ago

oh i get it so he put a punch line from his old "kids are so dumb" jokes into the set up for his new "kids are so fat" jokes.

when do the "yo momma is so fat" jokes start?

When you understand why you dismiss all other gods, you will understand why I dismiss yoursƒ

[–] a_l_i_e_n 15 years ago

"Did anybody see Oprah today? She had Senator John Edward's mistress Rielle Hunter on. After the show Rielle was on John Edwards."

[–] BobbyKnoxx 15 years ago

Jay Leno is a hack.

[–] a_l_i_e_n 15 years ago

"The recent oil spill in the gulf is being called the worst drilling accident since John Edwards knocked up Rielle Hunter."

"Glenn Beck has been included on the list of the 100 most influential people. Another person on the list, Sarah Palin has been asked to write a tribute to Beck. So there we see two wrongs Can make it on the Right."

[–] a_l_i_e_n 15 years ago

"In Arizona people are celebrating Cinco de Mayo the traditional way:
in hiding."

[–] a_l_i_e_n 15 years ago

"A man in China admitted to eating over 7000 light bulbs in his life. Kev, know what he got arrested for? Flashing.

[–] H_a_V_o_C 15 years ago

Good god those are bad.

[–] a_l_i_e_n 15 years ago

In the middle east the first magazine for gay muslims is being published. The title of the magazine is "RUN!"

In West Virginia a 27 year old woman was arrested for beating up her 77 year old boyfriend with his cane. Boy, this has been a terrible month for Larry King. Just one thing after another.

[–] anne0 15 years ago

He, and his writers, are just amazingly bad. I noticed it starting with the primetime show, but maybe that's because I saw more episodes. Besides bad, I mean old, out-of-touch, really needing some new blood and fresh talent.

It was so cringy when he recently criticized Lady Gaga's VERY famous video when she is talking on a pay phone. That was just the lamest joke, so embarrassingly Jay. He obviously had no clue about the story setting, had never seen the video, no one has told him a about the video story, and he is amazingly out of touch. If you want to stay in the out-of-touch demographic, at least don't make jokes about things you have no clue about. He's like the grandfather or high school principal we all were just too polite to boo at.

[–] Magic93 15 years ago

Jay jokes

You basically mean "Gay jokes"

———
Someone, somewhere, has to cry. We're under zenith again.

[–] a_l_i_e_n 15 years ago

"You basically mean "Gay jokes"

If that's what you're into. *wink*

[–] a_l_i_e_n 15 years ago

"Our long national nightmare appears to be over as Larry King and his wife Shawn have decided not to divorce. Their reconciliation however did come with some concessions. For example, during sex Shawn no longer has to say "King me" and Larry has agreed to wear a "Do Not Resuscitate" sign."

[–] a_l_i_e_n 15 years ago

"I tell ya' the stock market's in such bad shape even John Edwards pulled out."