21. When purchasing a new house, always check the condition of the floorboards before making an offer.
22. If a new job involves replacing a person retiring, make sure you have that in writing before you commit to the new role.
23. If a native warns you not to explore the bottom of a sinkhole, he probably has a very good reason not to go there.
24. If the spray is ineffective, there's always the boot.
25. If ever you come across an unusually thick spiders web, don't pluck it!
26. Don't steal someone else's breakfast cereal - you never know what might be in the packet!
27. If you receive a casket that has been sealed up in a foreign jungle, best not to open it in a room with a catflap.
28. When searching for a poisonous spider, it may be worth starting by asking your partner where they took the photos of the unusual spiders webs that are all over your office walls.
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Mr_Harold_Shand
12 years ago
29. A nail gun will make a normal nail gun sound when doing basic wood work with it, but when shooting a giant spider that's on fire into it's own nest it will sound like Dirty Harry's 44 Magnum.
30. In life or death situations where you've only got a wine bottle to defend yourself against maniac giant spiders, never use the Chateau Margaux.
31. Be careful next time you squash a spider in the jungle that launches at your camera lens as you never know what kind of furious bad-ass spider is watching on from the trees while you do it, it might set it off on a rampage of jumping onto baggage (and timing it perfectly), killing you so it can hitch a ride across the world, and then putting into motion it's plans of world domination, starting with your home town.
32. UK serial killer Dr Harold Shipman had probably just discovered an outbreak of Venezuela spiders in his town but noone believed him.
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sverrebohn
12 years ago
33. When nobody is looking people will not react to the spider-bite, just drop dead.( The fat couple was still sitting holding eachother when we saw them)
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stevenackerman69
12 years ago
34. The coroner always takes the phone off the hook during Wheel of Fortune.
35. You can fall from a balcony thru the floor and end up in the basement and not be paralyzed like Christopher Reeve.
36. In the basement, no one can hear you scream.
37. Tear out bad wood and put in good wood.
38. It is bad luck not to make love the first night in a new home.
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stevenackerman69
12 years ago
39. You can tell an egg sack not to go away, because we all know egg sacks move.
40. While you are spraying a shelf with fire and you can't find the spider, yell at it like it will answer your *beep*
41. Ross' family loved watching Family Ties.
42. Football coaches can act tough, but don't like to hear foul language from their players-even though they are playing a violent sport.
43. Becky is going to study cheerleading in college.
44. Bunny loves to blow up bullfrogs.
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digitalboy72
12 years ago
45. Coach knows the difference between a 'banana out' and a 'banana split'.
46. Chris won't be equally busy tomorrow.
47. Manly looked FREAKISHLY like Randy Quaid when he contorts his face in pain.
48. Why shouldn't Manly's mother have a another?
49. Thank God Jennings didn't examine Metcalf this morning.
50. You can, with 100% accuracy and 100% certainty, vet a room for spiders by checking around with a flashlight even though that's impossible.
51. They keep scaring each other.
52. He needs to buy a vowel.
53. Jennings saw a web, there is a web in the barn.
54. Molly minded that Delbert tore that floor out.
"Mr. Treehorn treats objects like women, man."
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eer85
12 years ago
55. Customs officers usually don't scan big crates coming from South America with X-rays.
56. And if they do, x-rays don't read big killer spiders.
57. Most importantly, despite having lungs, spiders don't need to breathe when sealed in said crate.
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Tqmek
11 years ago
58. A young healthy Photographer cant speak and dies almost instantly after being bitten - old man can speak for a minute before dying.
59. Zombie like corpse doesn't call for investigation after returning a un-quarantined body from a south america.
60. Spiders know their way around a building and recognize a doggy dog as a exit.
61. After Nailgun nail alomst flies through the foor, wife continues her phonecall and doesnt move out of the location after the 2nd one almost nails her foot.
62. (One For the Aussie) Install-A-Rheem not as successful if spider is in the shower
63. With Spiders being such good hunters and stalkers, dont know why they bother catching their lunch in webs.
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eer85
11 years ago
63. With Spiders being such good hunters and stalkers, dont know why they bother catching their lunch in webs.
To be fair, not all spider species use webs to catch prey: some of them do wander around looking for something to eat.
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djgettys
11 years ago
64. If you child and her friend refer to you as "Dr. Death" when riding with another parent for a sleepover, it's OK as long as you have told them to "run away" from any spiders they may encounter that evening.
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flyerzzrul
10 years ago
65. Spiders can be perverted, watch a pretty girl taking a shower and slide down her boobs
No offense, but you're an idiot.
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Chara_Angel (133)
3 years ago
66. When a cat steals a sandwich, it only wants the bread.
67. When hunting for spiders, don't wear gloves, long sleeves or boots. Give it some of your wine while you're at it.
68. If you're the only spider expert in a town being overrun by a new superspecies, go to the megaweb, flick it and offer yourself up as supper.
69. Nepotism is a branch of Christianity.
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