Things I've learned from watching American Ninja 2

36. When doing a demonstration with your super ninjas you kill the ones who fail to kill the head ninja, even though they have cost you millions of dollars

Have to take issue with a few of these.

1. "After being held captive for many years, forced research genetics for a mad drug lord..."-

Sentence is incoherent. I assume you were trying to say "being forced into genetics research..."?

2. "If a ninja is tied to a pickup truck that is headed towards a gas station, the truck will fly into the air for no reason and explode upon landing, for no reason."

I'll give you the spontaneous side-flip, but it was heading toward a gas/propane station. Just a badly timed nail on the tech's pyro board.

3. "Armstrong and Jackson have the best luck when assigned by the US Army; they, the only 2 ninjas in the Army, just happen to be assigned to a tropical island where crimes are being committed....by ninjas!"

This particular location has eyewitness accounts of "men dressed in black suits" and in the world of this movie, that is the field of Armstrong and Jackson's expertise.

4. "If Jackson couldn't even win a fistfight against Joe in the first film, it doesn't matter. When pitted against hordes of ninjas in the sequel, he'll suddenly become a ninja master, defeating them all without being even slightly injured."

It wouldn't be out of the realm that Jackson has trained with Joe since the ending of the first film.

5. "When in a swordfight with a ninja master, if he decides to cheat and pull out a shotgun, begin hanging upside-down from various structures. Other ninjas will run into the room and take the shots for you. When he runs out of bullets, the ninjas will cease running into the room."

Agreed, poorly choreographed (note how the bad ninja keeps aiming his gun toward the side).

6. "It's possible to swordfight with a shotgun stuffed down your pants."

Yes, where was he storing that??

7. "It's possible to keep a shotgun stuffed down your pants and completely concealed from view."

Read above.

8. "It's possible to jump from a 100-foot cliff into a waiting motorboat with the greatest of ease."

Laughability at its 80s finest.

9. "Thugs who stand outside a bar with the intention of roughing up a US soldier will attack him one by one. Later, after suffering a beating at his hands but getting another chance to take him out, they will once again attack him one by one."

I don't think they knew what to expect, caught them off-guard. The landing upstairs wouldn't be big enough to attack except one-by-one. It's a B-movie anyway. I mean, note the guy whose arm had just been dislocated outside as the first guy to take a swing at Joe.

10. "The leader of said thugs will somehow know his name upon their second encounter, despite never being told it by anyone."

Joe had been targeted from the get-go. A day had also passed and the fat guy could've easily been told who he was.

11. "When American soldiers storm a drug kingpin's fortress to stop his operation and free American hostages, they'll do it without wearing identifying military fatigues."

True.

12. "If you're in need of escaping a band of ninjas, a young island boy named Todo will show up with a pickup truck for your convenience. If you end up blowing up the truck minutes later, he'll demand 5 dollars for his services."

Yeah, whose truck was that??

13. "Women whose fathers have been held captive by drug kingpins will wait until he shows up at a cocktail party, crash the party, and slap him in the face. Otherwise, they pretty much stay out of his life."

Pretty foolish, yes.

14. "If you meditate on your surrogate father's ninja teachings, a smoke bomb will explode in front of you. Stand up dramatically afterwards."

Heh, heh.

15. "If you free a group of hostages after weeks in captivity, supply them with swords and let half of them them be slaughtered in a fight with a group of ninjas afterwards."

I smell a court-martial.

16. "Curtis Jackson will be nagged by a teased by a beautiful woman for not calling her as he's about to leave the island for good, regardless of the fact that he's never seen speaking to any woman to that point."

Untrue. He spoke to a girl at the first party they attended.

17. "After Alicia Sandborn's long-lost father tells her he has something to take care of and ends up killing himself, she'll smile happily at a post-operation celebration just days later."

No evidence he ever killed himself.

18. "It's completely acceptable behavior to buy a child a knife as a "thank you" gift."

Hey, he lived in a tough neighborhood.

19. "Again: slashing ninjas with a sword will not result in a bloody sword, nor will it result in torn ninja clothing."

Until the neccessary drawn-out shot of one ninja challenging another by cleaning his now bloody sword with his thumb and forefinger.

20. "Before throwing a grenade at a group of men with the intention of ending their lives, say, "Merry Christmas.""

Gotta yell something pithy, right?

21. "Further proof: Steve James, God bless his soul, was not able to complete even one action sequence with his shirt on."

Proud of his workout results, I guess.

22. "If two ninjas attack a man, one will charge him into a rock and stay, for no reason, locked in a charging position. Another ninja will appear on top of the rock and throw a rope around the man's neck. The man will attack the first ninja (completely unfazed by the rope around his neck) and then the second ninja, who will just stand there watching him attack his partner and do nothing."

The beach sequence was littered with hysterics.

23. "If you're holding a massive spear in your hands, a ninja will run at you and jump over your head, providing you with a wonderful opportunity to impale him with it. After doing so, he will hold it in place in lieu of proper movie effects."

A ninja academy flunk-out, no less.

24. "When many ninjas attack a man on a beach, one will be armed with a bow and arrow. Instead of shooting it at him while he's busy fighting off any of the other 10 ninjas who are taking their turns, he will wait until he's free from attack and shoot an arrow when he's able to defend against it."

I believe there are some ninja fair-play guidelines, like only attacking one at a time.

25. "When Curtis Jackson gathers together a large group of soldiers, he heavily arms himself- as do they- with machine guns, rocket launchers, grenades, pistols, and shotguns....and two mini-swords, in case he decides to get down with a little ninja close-quarter combat."

Unneccessary Benihana fun at its finest, that scene.

26. "After committing a ninja holocaust and finding yourself standing among the bodies of both said ninjas and American soldiers who were slashed to death fighting them, smile and give the thumbs up if your partner, who also just finished killing many people, gives you the thumbs up."

Hey, they made it through battle. They're survivors. Don't forget the Dudikoff 80s wink.

27. "There's just something about slashing a man's chest open until he vomits blood that makes Alicia Sandborn smile with glee at you."

He was a bad man.

28. "When fighting an evil ninja master, he'll stop a couple of times throughout a swordfight to show off his sword handling with some fancy moves."

Proud of his craft.

29. "If you're a drug baron who owns his own private island and employs his own secret ninja army, arrange a show for your patrons whereby your right-hand man kills a good portion of said secret ninja army."

The Lion apparently had seen American Ninja 1.

30. "If you're going to employ a secret ninja army to secure your heroin trade business, make sure their uniforms vary in color. It's good to have a little variety in your murderous assassin."

Clothes make the man.

31. "Protagonists can kick women in the head during bar fights."

Shame on Joe. Although, even a bar-whore can be an enemy.

32. "Make a funny joke if a woman smashes a glass bottle over your head after you ask her out."

That guys comedic timing was great.

33. "When arranging a secret meeting with an Army officer so you can spill the beans on a covert drug-smuggling operation whose leader is holding your wife hostage, if you hear noises outside your window, it's best not to attempt to investigate."

Aaaargh, you beat me to it. That was going to be my number 37.

34. "Synth music and calypso music can be used interchangeably to score violent fight scenes."

Awkwardly so.

35. "When Curtis Jackson hears "men in black suits," he thinks "ninjas," not "men in black suits.""

In the context of missing soldiers, its understandable.

I usually love these "things I learned from watching this movie" threads, but not when it gets side-tracked by such killjoy nit-picking. It's supposed to be meant in good humor.

Anyway, some things I learned:

37. United States Marines stationed in the Caribbean perform no actual duties. Sitting around drinking beer on beach chairs so as not to arouse left-wing terrorists is their only necessary function.

38. The best line for picking up gorgeous women is to recommend "isometrics, aerobics, and me!"

39. Random bad guys can have their arms severely broken in a street brawl only to re-appear unharmed in the next fight scene.

40. There is no reason to have a meaningful movie plot when it only takes four minutes for the heroine to explain the whole thing about halfway through.

41. Super-Ninjas, the "ultimate fighting machines" are easily defeated in rapid succession by slow harmless defensive moves, dying or at least being knocked out cold simply by being punched a couple times then pushed to the ground.

42. The best way to demonstrate how effective your ninjas are is to have a mass demonstration where one guy easily kills most of them.

43. Kidnapped guys with little or no martial arts training, after being locked up in a room for days will instantly be able to defeat many super Ninjas.

44. In a drug overloards secret genetic engineering facility the master laboratory has a huge lighted sign over the entrance that says "Master Laboratory".

45. The best time to invite all your various corrupt business and covert military partners over for a ninja show and tour is the day before making a massive five billion dollar drug shipment that will make your break your future.

46. Steve James can carry two giant swords in the back pocket of his incredibly tight pants (which don't have pockets).

47. After Steve James systematically kicks your ass then breaks your neck with his boot, it's a good idea to Stay Down!!!

48. After defeating the final headguy Super Ninja you should slowly pull off your mask and then just stare silently upward making little gay-boy eye movements for an inordinate amount of time (copied from part 1).

49. Army Rangers can easily switch to being Marines if a Hawaiian shirt-wearing Captain pulls a few strings.

50. Giving a kid a Swiss Army knife, which bears zero relevance to the plot, can be an extremely lame way to end a movie.

Awesome. My stomach hurts from laughing so much 

Poorly Lived and Poorly Died, Poorly Buried and No One Cried