MY REVIEW OF 'TROLL'!
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TROLL(1986)
(Directed by John Carl Buechler)
Plot: A troll begins turning people into plants in an apartment complex in a silly plot to somehow take over the world....
Review:
I tried watching "Troll" once when I was a kid, but then I turned it off after Sonny Bono turns into a plant. Now, don't get me wrong, that's not what caused me to turn it off. I don't even really remember why I turned it off. Either it was boring me, or more likely it was on too late and I had to go to bed. Still, I can say that I remember watching its sequel, "Troll 2", and then watching "Troll 2" again later on without realizing it was "Troll 2". Guess what movie I get to watch tonight and review tomorrow? Yup, "Troll F@cking 2".
We first meet our heroes, the Potter family, moving into a new apartment building. The douche-bag son, Harry Potter Jr(Hathaway), is-....Wait, Harry Potter? Wow, that's some interesting foreshadowing. Does he later turn into a wizard? Actually, as much as I write that with sarcasm, I guess it's possible he does become a wizard after the end of the movie. The filmmakers actually believe that J.K Rowling borrowed from this. I can see why, because the "Harry Potter" novels are also crappy horror-fantasies about pervy trolls as well. You know, while I said that as an insult, the more I think about it I'd probably like Rowling's novels more if it was about pervy trolls! Anyway, moving on.....
The daughter, Wendy(Beck) goes into the laundry room and is suddenly snatched by a troll. He quickly changes his appearance to look identical to her and what follows is the main reason why I dislike the movie. For some reason, she goes crazy over food and this leads her to running around the complex acting all crazy and setting off the fire alarm. We then get to meet the other annoying tenants. Peter(Bono), a heavy swinger who somehow gets dates with attractive women even though he's an unattractive man who isn't playing Sonny Bono. He's also the most annoying of the lot. Barry(Sandy), a retired military man who is actually written to be kind of likeable, making it even more annoying how over-the-top and annoying he acts. We are surprised to see Julia Louis-Dreyfus(Senfield) playing Jeannette, whose only shred of interest is that she's very hot. Finally, there is Eunice St. Clair(Lockhart) who is kind of a bitch.
So, Wendy-Troll thankfully decides to kill Peter, which is the most merciful thing the movie does. She turns him into a plant and a bunch of creatures that look like the creatures from "Ghoulies"(except better) come out of him. Lovely. Wendy-Troll basically repeats this and soon Harry Potter(*snickers*) begins to suspect that his sister might not be his sister when she exhibits strange behavior, super strength and uses her ring to cast a spell on him....Although strangely, what finally gives her away is when he's watching some crappy SCI-FI movies that have a similar plot to this. I told you, movies save lives! On Harry Potter, he befriends Eunice in the films strangest, most random and unbelievable relationship. He learns Eunice is a witch who apparently is trying to stop the troll. The final subplot is Wendy-Troll befriending a little person, Malcolm Malloy(Fondacaro; Who also co-starred in "Ghoulies 2"), in the most sincere relationship in the movie.
The problem with the movie is that it has a thin plot mixed in with too many contrivances and confusing explanations that never really come together. I mean, really, why would the troll pick this complex when there is a witch who has the weapons to kill it? Now, it's implied that the witch is there to stop him, but she waits too long to actually do anything. She lets the troll basically kill most of the cast before she decides to finally hunt him down. Why? Are we really supposed to believe all of this? Finally, the explanation as to why the Troll is doing this is a bit far fetched, even for this genre. I didn't really buy anything in this movie, which is always going to be an issue.
But what really killed this movie is how annoying it is. The dialogue borders to inane to terrible. It has your typical horror flick cliches. At one point, we wonder why the Father randomly puts on loud music and starts dancing to it. Besides being embarrassing to watch, it seems pointless. Soon, we realize that it's on so that we can accept that the music was the reason why no one hears a gunshot go off in another room. But still, the Father doesn't seem like the type who would turn his music loud enough so that no one else in the entire complex would hear anything. Finally, the fact that the characters are so annoying makes it kind of sad because they are almost sympathetic. If the actors just toned down their performances(because everyone acts so alike though in their over-acting, I think it's the director at fault), I could've really felt for them. So bland I can live with, but I can't stand it when a movie is downright irritating. It's the reason why I consider "Terror Toons" to be the worst movie ever, instead of "Crazy Fat Ethel 2".
Buechler is known mainly as a special effects wiz, doing movies of low budgets and bigger budgets. He's actually very good at what he does and it shows in this movie. While he wasn't an experienced director at this time, as this is his 2nd movie, you can still see a nice flair of special effects. He ultimately relies on it. When the plants start coming out, we're impressed by how accomplished they look. The creatures themselves look good, although there are a few exceptions. That elf thing looked horrible and while the troll looks alright, it doesn't look very menacing(it looks more comical). He also gives us a few nice touches, such as a semi-effective hand held camera POV shot as well as a cool editing bit where scenes change as if the pages are being turned like in a story book. The reason why this movie intrigued me was because it's a horror-fantasy. While I've seen horror films have fantasy elements("Hellraiser 2"), and fantasy films that are actually scary at times("The Fellowship of the Ring"), I can't think of a true blend that's presented in the same way as "Troll". It's almost like a slasher/monster flick that takes place in a more fantasy oriented plot. So while Buechler does well with the fantasy sequences, he fails to raise any kind of suspense or tension. He also handles the actors poorly. Luckily, he gets better. "Friday the 13th part 7: New Blood" is actually one of the better entries in that series!
Noah Hathaway(Harry Potter Jr.) varies from bad to worse. At first, I wasn't sure if it was his fault or the dialogue, but after awhile, I realized it was all him. This movie basically ended his career. Jenny Beck(Wendy) has plenty of annoying moments, but I actually kind of liked her once I got used to her. Michael Moriarty(Harry Potter Sr.) seems to know the movie sucks so just has fun with the role. Unfortunately, it works against him. Shelley Hack(Anne) does okay as the one-dimensional Mom. Why is Sonny Bono(Peter) in this film again? He is NOT a good actor. Even though I tend not to like Phil Fondacaro's(Malcolm Mallory) movies, I actually like him as an actor. In fact, out of all the characters here, I liked him the most. Julia Louis-Dreyfus(Jeanette) actually comes out of the movie looking pretty good. June Lockhart(Eunice) usually works as the witch, and it's cool that they got her real life daughter, Anne Lockhart to play the younger Eunice. The acting is bad, but they all seem to suffer from similar styles of bad acting, making me think that the director might be at fault.
I really wanted to like "Troll". It had the chance to be one of the few true horror-fantasy hybrids, while also being a hilarious bad movie. I'm sure many people look at it this way. But it's too awkward, too contrived and too ridiculous for me to take seriously while not being bad enough for me to laugh at. It's like you have a goofy friend who happens to talk in a SCREAMING VOICE THAT NEVER FLUCTUATES IN TONE AND IS ALWAYS VERY ANNOYING TO LISTEN TOO! But Sonny Bono turns into a plant and Julia Louis-Dreyfuss turns into a nymph, so it's not completely worthless. Oh yeah, I liked the score too!
Violence: It's rating PG-13 and it does have some disturbing moments that are kind of gross. Maybe it deserved an R?
Nudity: We almost get to see Dreyfuss nude but leaves are strategically placed.....Damn!
Overall: "Troll" has a cult following, but it's not "Blood Feast" in that it doesn't try to be bad. So it doesn't try to be bad, but fails at being good. The result is a movie that's often generic, annoying and frustrating. But it does have its moments and I almost feel like I'm being a bit harsh. But oh well!
1.5/4 Stars
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