25 (+) Things I learned from watching The Kingdom of the Spiders
25 (+) Things I learned from watching “The Kingdom of the Spiders:”
1) If you get a pesky spider/tarantula/etc. crawling on one of your appendages and you have your handgun conveniently nearby, simply shoot off the offending bast*rd AT POINT-BLANK RANGE, vital veins and/or arteries be damned.
2) If the stairs that you need to navigate in order to save your niece from some big-a$$ed bugs are littered with HUNDREDS MORE spiders, run down said stairs in a hilariously effeminate hop-scotch fashion. You will look twice the hero, and your deft movements will save you from the slipping that would occur if you stepped ON the spiders, spilling their juicy insides all over the place, adding insult to injury.
3) No one will raise objection, even, apparently, a spider scientist, when you claim to have watched a spider hill (they must be part ant) with a thousand occupants FOR AN HOUR, without telling anyone, even after your prized calf and good ol’ Fido have ‘mysteriously’ died at their hands (er, legs…).
4) It is perfectly acceptable (perhaps even understandable) to spend what may be your precious few last hours on earth - with the peril of becoming spider fodder – to make a huge pot of scalding soup from scratch. Instead of boiling the bugs THEMSELVES.
5) While driving through town, where very large numbers of people have converged for a county fair or some such crap, a small-town sheriff can become extremely popular, and find himself with more ‘fans’ pounding on his car windows than the Beatles EVER had. (A clear case of spiders versus beetles.) If said sheriff blatantly ignores his duties to protect and serve, just a-plowing through it all in an effort to save only himself, he will be justly punished, and not even the best scuba gear on the market will be of any help to his lily-livered a$$.
6) Even The Shat-Man, The Shat-Meister, Shat-O-Rama is clued-in enough to realize that he and his few cronies, who have thus-far been able to stave off the nasty influx of tarantulas are now looking out the window to their certain doom (excuse me a minute, I gotta grab a tissue…). <sniff.>
7) Gentlemen take heed: Apparently, upon finding yourself in a plane that even the Wright Bros. would cast dubious eyes upon in their earliest days of aviation design, tarantulas who are not afraid of heights, but instead casually crawling all over you would cause you to scream (repeatedly) ABOUT 6 OCTAVES HIGHER than your normal speaking voice. Just so ya know.
Additions, anyone?
:D