Mr.Pike:Like if she were the star of some crummy horror movie I'd believe it!
Mr.M:3?! Why you little....Yea ok I'll give you 3 dollars.
Mother in law:Where shall I put this?
Russell:Oh boy....
Mr.Pike:Holy macarol! I almost didn't make it!
Mr.Pike:Ok! If that's the way you want it,that's the way your gonna get it!
Mother in law:You shut up!!! We're going to get that money,keep driving!
Cabbie:That woman is something else.....
Apologies if I get any of them incorrect.
Russell: "He just went sailing out there."
Captain Culpepper: "Oh, Aloysius. The guy was just being clever. Five'll get you ten they head to the Crossroads then turn south."
Ginger Culpepper: "What the hell is the Smiler Grogan case?!"
Captain Culpepper: "The tuna factory robbery I've been telling you about for the last fifteen years!"
Taxi driver (Peter Falk): "The cops in this town are morons! Retarded!"
Otto Meter to Don Knotts' character: "They tried to kill me. They had me down a silver mine. Can you handle a gun?"
Melville Crump to Monica: "Now let's go and have ourselves a big adventure."
Doodles Weaver's character to Melville Crump: "Mr. Dinckler's inside."
Melville Crump: "That's it! We'll get Dinckler!"
Melville Crump: "Burglar alarm! The stupidest burglar in the world could come in here and walk away with everything!"
The dialogue between Alan Carney's police sergeant and Captain Culpepper about how letting the Crumps out of the hardware store basement "ain't fair," ending with Culpepper saying: "Are you happy?"
Captain Culpepper: "Get that fella's number! Get his number!"
Benjy: "He must have had an aunt named Aunt Belle."
Detective (Norman Fell) to Russell: "Well I'm gonna have to get your name anyway."
Russell: "Who, me?"
Mrs. Marcus to Russell: "We're in the Imperial and we're running last?!"
Last, but not least:
Aloysius: "Arrest Captain Culpepper."
So many more, but I'll give everybody else a chance.
How could I have forgotten my absolute favorite line from the film?
Mrs. Marcus to Emeline, about Sylvester: "Exactly like your father! A big, stupid, muscle-headed moron!"
More for your entertainment:
Melville Crump to Monica: "Oh I see. The fire-extinguisher stuff got on the fuse."
Mr. Dinckler to the disheveled Crumps, who are trying to slink away unnoticed: "Hey, come back here! You vandals!"
Tyler Fitzgerald: "I cahn't see!"
Dingy: "He cahn't see."
Benjy: "Maybe it's an eye cold."
Lenny Pike: "It's a girl's bike. It's for a little girl."
Mrs. Marcus to Sylvester: "We're at Peterson's Garage in a place called Plaster City. Now will you shut up and listen?"
Lenny Pike: "Well?"
Mrs. Marcus: "So he's coming here. And I'm not to worry about a thing. Because everything is going to be alright. Exactly like your father! A big, stupid, muscle-headed moron!"
Otto Meyer: "Alright, if I don't get a share I'm gonna go straight to the police."
Captain Culpepper: "What makes you think the police would be interested, Mr. Meyer?"
Otto Meyer: "What, are you kidding? Hey, how do you know my name?"
Lenny Pike: "You know this bum?"
Captain Culpepper: "Well, we've never actually met, Mr. Pike."
Lenny Pike: "How do you know my name? I don't believe we've ever met."
...
Captain Culpepper: "I'm Captain Culpepper, Santa Rosita Police Department."
The capper for this go-round:
Mrs. Marcus: "These things happen! These things happen! The only reason why these things happen is because when these things happen people just say, 'These things happen.' And that's why these things happen!"
Oh my favorite...
Meyer to Pike when he agrees to drive to find the money "Kid you better move that bike before someone trips over it in the dark." Then Pike throws the bike in the ditch and Meyer drives off.
Later when Pike finds Meyer again after being double-crossed, Pike says "SO! Afraid someone will trip over the kid's bicycle in the dark, eh? Well when I get through with you they'll be tripping over YOU in the dark!"
A crying Sylvester - "Your baby is coming to save you mama!"
Culpepper - "There was a joker in the deck that no one knew about."
And my favorite:
Mr. Hawthorne - "All of my time in this wretched god-forsaken country, the one that that has appalled me most of all is this preposterous preoccupation with bosoms!"
Buddy Hackett to Mickey Rooney while fighting over the use of the radio...
Hackett..."What are you, the hostess?"
Simple, quick and delivered in perfect timing!
I laughed for five minutes and had to review shat I missed!
When they pull over to discuss the sharing of the money.
Ethel Merman "fires up" and they're all calling her the "old bag."
Eventually Buddy Hackett says that, "It's every man.....including the old bag.. for himself. Mickey interjects, "....and may the best man win,!" Buddy then says, "Except you lady, MAY YOU JUST DROP DEAD!
Straight after, Jonathon Winters, very calmly says, All right, all right we all agree on that."
Sid Caesar does a classic double take, and Milty does a Milty look.
Poor old Ethel. :-)😄
"Take away the pain, but leave the swelling."