Monologue for Nov 7, 1986

I am transcribing this, because carson wasn't just a master of timing, facial and body language, but he also knew how to perfectly write and say a joke, which is the hardest thing, write it the wrong way, with the wrong words and it doesn't come off funny.

Carson enters from the middle of the Curtains, wearing a dark blue Blazer, tan pants, white shirt and striped tie. Audience is very enthusiastic, he acknowledges Doc than Ed, Audience keeps cheering.
Carson: " Thank You. thank You for coming," audience continues to cheer, and whistle," If there is any need to grovel. I'll do it." Audience settles down, Johny turns to Doc, who is wearing his usual flashy outfit and says: " Hello Zorro."
Carson: " Where did you get that."
Doc: " You can just call me Tiger."
Carson: turning to the Audience:" How are you tonight? In a good mood? we have a good show for you tonight. Do not try to leave during the monologue , because all the seats are Velcro, and i'll hear you." light laughter, Carson shrugs, and continues: " It's Friday, It's Friday isn't it?"
Ed: " Yep."
Carson: " Do you know what i love about Fridays? It gives me a chance to do all my weekend Marketing and get rid of all my Coupons." ( note 1. Carson has trouble saying the word Coupons) very little laughter, and Carson feigns fear.
Carson: " You don't buy that huh?"
Carson: " I should point out, that under the new law, you'll all required to laugh in English only." this gets a good response from the audience, mostly clapping.
Carson: " I just don't understand that law, I think they're being a little strict with here in California. Beverly Hills for example... the new leaf blowers service manual was in English only."
A few laughs and claps, and one person groans
Carson smiles, " Well, your entitled I guess."
( of note: when ever Carson begins to deliver a joke , he kind of outstretches his right hand to the audience almost as if delivering it to them personally"
Carson: " I went to my favorite French Restaurant last night, no longer in....English only! no more escargot and foie gras, it says Snails with Goose Liver." Audience laughs and he punctuates the joke by putting his hand to his mouth and feigning a bitter taste.
Carson: ' By the way, this is a monologue, and its kind of nice because this week Time Magazine, they referred to the Monologue of this show as America's cultural guidepost, and i thought that was very nice, Till I realized that a guidepost ...( pauses here, as if he lost concentration) is something that if a dog was walking down the street..( audience laughs here, though joke is not over) (Carson looks exasperated because he knows he blew the joke, but it was saved because the audience was way ahead of him )...sometimes uses." (i guess he meant that Dogs pee on any kind of post, but the Joke really was delivered badly. Also of note Carson really doesn't have too much energy at this point in the monologue and is not really selling the Jokes, it's like he has to warm up.)
Carson: looks straight at the TV Camera, " Before we continue the monologue here is a little reminder for you people watching at home, on your screens. ' Carson shuffles his feet, and waits for about 4 seconds and then says, " Okay." and smiles, Audience laughs. On the monitor these words come up super imposed over Carson:

Professional Comedian do not attempt these jokes yourself

Carson: Talking to the audience: " You didn't see the monitor so you don't know what we're talking about..Now its there now. Okay."

Carson; " This was a......" pauses as Audience groans, he shakes his head, stands with hands behind back and smiles., Audience responds and begins to laugh. he giggles, " anyway.." ( typical carson milking a joke that bombed)

Carson: " My day started off so weird.."
Audience members call out; " how Weird."
Carson ( laughs and looks up at the audience) I called my doctor for my annual flu shot, his nurse said he was stranded on a desert island with a bottle of Bayer Aspirin and 99 other doctors."
Small laugh, Johny looks around and smiles, with hands behind back........ he pauses...looks at the audience and says:
" You started out as such sweet group." audience laughs and Carson smile/laughs.

Carson; " There is a new strain of flu going around, SERIOUSLY, every year we have a new strain of flu. Are you familiar with the TAIWAN flu. according to the papers-ahh- the vaccine you had last year does not protect against Taiwan flu. and the new vaccine will not be available for two weeks. BUT there is good news, If you do happen to get the Taiwan flu, you are eligible for massive aid from the Unites States."
For some reason the audience doesn't respond to this joke, even though i thought it was funny, Carson pauses, shakes his head and puffs out his cheeks-as if to say Ohh boy its going to be one of those nights. Audience applauds.

Carson: " so i went to my...( starts this joke out laughing-as though he is saying- I am just going to keep on muddling through this and continue with the monologue .." I went to my Doctor here at NBC,( turns to Ed) been to him? Al Bend over."
Audience laughs. Carson points then does a Jack Benny arm dart to the side.
Audience continues to laugh and Ed can be heard really laughing at this.
Carson;" great Doctor, a little weird, he colorizes X-Rays."
Audience laughs
Carson: " What else is happening...... lot of show business news...How many of you watch the show Kate O'Brein surgeon ' very few people clap, " That was one of the problems, the show is not doing well in the ratings, TO BOLSTER ratings,ummm. Kate is going to separate siamese twins and the reattach them to two game show hosts."
very little response, carson has his hands in his pockets and is smiling amiably, " I'm just mucking along here' he says very pleasantly .

Carson: " How many of you know what sweep months are? They take the rating three or four times year to see what shows are popular. And all the networks...even local shows resort to all kinds of sensationalism to get ratings. Even the local news. A girl named Coleen Williams ..did you see..on the local news out here..did an investigative report last night, entitled: Driving over speed bumps is the only safe sex left." ( carson has a way of using his body language to let you know when a new joke is beginning, when its in the middle and when it ends.)
mixed laughter from audience. Carson milks this as usual , " that was on last night.."

finally starts a new joke with a laugh and voice cracking'" How many of you are getting ....a little tired of seeing the Surgeon General on TV . He's on all the time now, they played this film , he says 'its no longer a good idea to have sex with someone you don't know very well'" Carson pauses here, then look around sheepishly and says. " Isn't that the whole fun of it."
Audience laughs and applauds.
Carson; " Don't send letter on that,..it's just a little levity"
Note: Carson's energy is picking up as he reaches the end of the Monologue, and you can see now that ever jOKE IS PLACED IN THE EXACT ORDER HE WANTS. he starts strong, has a lull in the middle and brings it on home strong in the end.

Carson; " We had Joan Collins on the show last night and she was talking about a movie she's making with George Hamilton
called 'Monte Carlo ', interestedly enough he plays an international playboy and she plays a Riveriera adventuress,' click his tongue with his cheek," what a stretch for those two actors," audience laughs " I don't know i thought they'd rather play two farm workers in " The Grapes of Wrath'."

Carson: Now. Our secretary of State, you saw this in the paper today. George Shultz , held some arms talks,,in the ,,you know..Vienna, and they failed to reach an agreement AGAIN, Schults repeated over there that President Reagan is not a lame duck ....and Schultz said.. I spoke with Donald..er Ronald Today.." the audience laughs.
Carson: ' You see, you see, i knew i would get to you sooner or later."
Carson: " They are making great strides in Science today, someday they might be able to cross an illegal alien with a valley girl.." audience begins to titter." and you'll get a lottery winner that can say: Gracias. for sure."
Audience like this one and laughs. Carson smiles, and laughs and says " You see, you see, I save the bigess for last."

Carson: " Okay, we have a great show tonight , and this is an after thought, after the show any of you dining in the NBC cafeteria , the chef has just announced that the catch of the day, Is a coyote from griffith Park."

Monologue is over