monologue for November 3 1988- Election and the rise of Dan Quale

Johny comes out to the usual raucous music and excitement

Carson: trying to quiet enthusiastic crowd;"Okay folks, keep your shirts on....but toss your pants down here."

Carson:" How are you tonight?, good mood, I'm Johny Carson, the George Bush of comedy and I'm looking for a kinder, gentler Audience......wof...we had a group here last night ( shakes his head) ..BOY....we did a piece at the desk that just went down the Tubes...and i finally felt what those two Whales must have felt like up in Alaska....just getting my breath..and the hole froze over and i had to go under."


Carson:" It 11 o'clock, Imelda Marcos do you know where Doris Dukes money is?"

Carson: " Well, only five days left in the Presidential campaign.( audience cheers) five days, so much mud so little time."

Carson;" I just saw an election bulletin come over on the News Ticker, the three major networks just projected that both candidates will lose..( audience responds ) ..actually, already, with zero percent of the precincts reporting NBC has reported Bush as the winner..i don't understand the networks, how can they project the next President two months before its happened and they can't even project that the new 'Mission Impossible is a bomb."

note: Carson uses the word 'projected' rather than 'predicted' probably because projected is a funnier sounding word.

Carson: " you sometimes wonder why we have an election. The Networks have not only projected that Bush is going to be the Winner, but they have also projected his first scandal for Februrary. "

Carson: " Now Michael Dukakis, ummm, mr November, is ummm, Confident, forceful, PASSIONATE, but, a little late isn't he?
..just a little late, he's like the guy who decides to start foreplay with his wife, and she's already in the shower
( note: when is the last time you heard the word 'foreplay ' used, also Carson makes sure the Joke adds that the guy is having sex with his own 'wife', and what is this about shower, do people take a shower directly after sex) Note: the joke gets a big response from the audience., as most of Carsons sex jokes do.

Carson: " He's a nice man though" carson says these first four words speeded up s though he is trying to get the monologue back on schedule, not many people can talk as fast a Carson, and so perfectly) " Today is Governor Dukakis 50th birthday, fifty years ago today , Doctor told Mike's mother: 'It's a boy' ....and the baby said ....'I don't believe in labels."

Carson:' Dukakis had an interesting statement today, even though he is 14 points behind...he's going to keep campaigning like he is 10 points behind." ( Carson, hands behind the back, squints-like Dukakis, brings hands out in front of his body with thumbs up an makes a Dukakis hand gesture to emphasize the joke, Carson is always using his hands in some way to emphasize all the jokes, he is hitting the audience but with his oratory gifts and physical cues.)

Carson:' " About the only suspense left for election night is who is going to wear the sexier dress--Diane Sawyer or Maryanne Williams ( one of the first jokes of all the monologues i've watches that is badly dated)

Carson: " Now Bush is so confident, he is already starting his dump Quale strategy ( ohhh Dan Quale, Carson should have paid you money for all the Monologues you helped him with in the four years to come, the name itself 'Quale' fits one of Carson main tropes-the funny name in the monologue -Casper Weinberger was another name Carson loved, If Weinberger did anything, anything at all, it made its way into the monologue.) "

the joke doesnt go too well and Carson kind of imitates Stan Laurel ( the skinny one in the Laurel and Hardy movies) standing with hands in pockets blinking to the crowd.


Carson:" Did you see the picture of Dan Quale with the oldest Elviis Impersonator in Memphis...actually that was the real Elvis..he and Dan have been hiding out together till the campaign is over. ( notice the use of the word campaign rather than election)

Carson:" Lyodd Bentsen ( Dukakis running mate) now there's an intelligent man, he's not only knowledgeable on foreign and domestic affairs but he kept his real Job ( Carson says this joke in one gulp with no pause, as he sometimes does, when he felt no need for a pause to heighten the anticipation for the punchline)


Carson: " I heard today, that as soon as Dan Quale heard that everything depends on the electoral college...he called his father to get him in" ( this is already the third Dan Quale joke of the night. Quale was just a comedian dream come true and Carson milked him for everything he was worth)
Note: audience applauds this joke, almost as if they appreciate Carson for saying something that had to be said about a political scandal that everyone else was sweeping under the rug.)

Carson: I'm kinda going to miss the campaign when its over...I don't know what we're worried about...the Japanese already own the country let them pick the President."
Things change but they don't--insert Chinese for Japanese and you have the same joke in 2016
Note: Carson really sold that joke with his hands, a trained magician Carson knew how to use his hands better than any comedian who ever lived to kind of cue the audience when the Jke was in the middle and when the joke had just wrapped up with the big punchline

Carson: " Did you see who was in an auto accident in Mexico City today...Mike Tyson and Don King, nobody was injured but Don is suffering from whiplash of the hair. "
Note: this is probably the easiest and best joke of the night in its simplicity and i bet Carson wrote it himself.

Carson: Now, here is some really exciting news, Duck hunting season has officially opened in California ( Duck is another funny word to say by the way) you know what i don't understand about Duck Hunting? guys get up at 4 in the morning, to sit in a cold, wet and freezing duck blind, you lure a duck in, with imitation mating calls(somebody in the audience probably a crew member makes the quack quack sound) ..' thats it right there"( audience laughs and Carson breaks out laughing hysterically, but i can't belied Carson would be happy about ANYBODY screwing up his monologue)

Carson continues: " and then you blow the ducks head off just when he thinks he's getting lucky" - Carson still laughing looks up in the audience, searching for the man who made the quack quack sound. " That was very good sir, are you a Hunter or a duck.."
man in audience;" I'm from Seattle and i have Webb feet
Carson: " Can you do the duck call again."
Man': ' Quack,quack,quack" sounding like Donald. Carson loves it.

Carson: ' I bust my chops doing Jokes and the biggest laugh is a guy doing Quack quack"










Carson: "