Monologue for april 24 1984: making fun of the President

Heeeeeerrrrrs Johny

Carson Bows to Doc and Ed
Usual wild audience reaction

Carson: " Thank you, thank you, thats very nice......ohhh c'mon....settle down...you're going to spoil me..thank you....' audience finally settles downs, " I love the sound of mass heavy breathing. I thank you for the applause thats very nice, in fact you better applaud or i am going to have Prince Andrew come out and spray paint you with a white paint..... crazy, prince Andrew , see what he did?"

ED: ' yep."

Carson: " prince Andrew when he was here a week ago, Apparently was at some factory or something and they gave him one of those pressurized spray guns, and he turned around and sprayed the press.....not a bad idea."


Carson: " I have really nothing to say, Joan Rivers insulted everyone last week.....she really zings in there doesn't she."

carson: addressing the studio audience: " By the way, did you all get the cream filled Easter eggs that I left on your seat?"

Carson: ' Anyway, we've been off for two weeks, i apologize that i was gone for two weeks but the Academy Awards just ended last night......." addresses Ed : "that was, the longest night I have ever spent......even the Titanic had the dignity to sink within two hours"
note: very good joke and expertly phrased, the phrasing of a joke like that is a true art form. sAY IT WRONG and it will go nowhere

Carson:to Ed " I've got to reappraise that line of work."

Carson: " If you are on vacation here in Los Angeles ( notice how Carson always uses the word: You. to bring the audience into the Joke.) I hate to all about smog, but we have today what they call a first stage smog alert, can you tell? You see here in Los Angeles we have a funny group called --'the air quality management district' which gives you the impression they manage the air......the air does pretty much what it wants to do an we have three stages of smog alerts:
First stage -your eyes burn and they water
second stage--you wheeze and you cough
The third stage...( Johny Pauses)....your Nike's disintegrate ."

Johny talks to Doc about Docs trip to Italy

Carson...." thats great country, the people are friendly over there, the food is great.....are you going to give a vacation report..remember in school when you came back ...what i did on my summer vacation ( mimicking a nervous child) lets have a report tomorrow, lets have Doc do that, a vacation report."

Doc: " how long does it have to be ( said very cynically)

Carson: " three of four minutes that'll be fine..anyway...( chats with doc again) ..I'm in a silly mood, but whats going on...Reagan is not in the United States as you know.( interesting here that the audience responds in such a way that implies when Reagan IS in the United States he is still not in the Unites States, as if the President is now in a lala land ) Carson responds to this.." C'mon, this is not a political rally, I mean ..he's on his way to China for a six day visit, Now, The President
is in for a big surprise.....wait till he finds out that there are a billion communists there." audience laughs

Carson: " as you probably saw in the news the President stopped off in Hawaii, i guess for two days, so he will not get Jet lag.Reagan doesn't want to embarrass himself by dozing off in the middle of his regular nap."

Note: there was a time before Obama where comedians made fun of the President on a regular basis, it kind of worked to deflate the egos of the powerful.

carson:" did you see the pictures it made all the wire services all over the World..swimming in Hawaii..yeah, the President was out in the surf, and it was strange seeing a secret service man next to him, wearing dark glasses and a snoopy tube."

note: as i mentioned before, Carson likes to use funny words and funny sounding names in his monologues , and what of course could be funnier than Snoopy.

Carson: personal comment, the Presidents swim wear isn't...um...isnt too hip. I understand for his Birthday Nancy is going to get him a pair of trunks that don't blow up in the water." audience laughs


Carson: " While i am on the subject of the first family, did you read in the papers that Presidents Reagans daughter Patti......
..is marrying...her Yoga Instructor. Yeah, she called the President and she said--'Daddy I'm marrying a Yogi ,,,and Reagan said thank god, at least you're not marrying Billy Martin." audience groans and Ed goes whoo, carson smiles and looks around at the audience, and shakes his head and says: " Well, the welcome has really changed." audience laughs . Johny turns to ed and says: " You don't get many chances here."

Ed: " Nope."


Carson: " apparently Patti said to Reagan , you'll love my fiancé , he's a Californian guy who meditates, eats brown rice and sleeps on a bed of nails....the president says ( Carson smiles and chuckles) you mean to tell me you're marrying Jerry Brown."

Historical note: Patti Davis as Presidential daughter go was very attractive, and was model and actress, In 1984, she married Paul Grilley, a yoga instructor. They divorced in 1990.

Carson: " I can now report that the suspense is officially over, the Soviet Union has officially agreed to attend the LA olympics..at first they were not sure if they were coming because they don't like entering foreign countries without Tanks."

Historical note: The Soviet Union and the entire Eastern Bloc boycotted the 1984 summer olympics.

Carson mentions that its Donald Ducks 50th Birthday." can you believe Donald id 50, but if you see the pictures you can....." audience begins to laugh anticipating the punchline.." he's got a varicose beak, wheres a tail Toupee, Donald is going through a mid-life crises, he's tired of being a duck, he's thinking of having a sex change operation and becoming a swan.." no response from the audience.." thats what he's thinking about...i wish i hadn't thought of that."
note: of course Johnny loves the word Duck, and will get it into the Monologue anyway he can.