monologue for 02-14-1979

We are back in the glorious 1970s and Johny looks as sharp as he's ever looked

JC:' I want to apologize for the sneaky way we got you in here tonight, but it helped to hang that sign up outside that said:'Gasoline 50 cents a gallon." Audience has a luke warm response ," Look, i want you to be kind to me. One massacre on this date was enough."

JC: " People get very gift conscious on days like this, and i want to thank the lady from the audience who left the long stemmed American Beauty in my dressing room.." audience begins to laugh expectantly, and Johny shakes his head, knowing the audience is way ahead of him." Although you're Daughter seems like a nice girl, I can't get her on the Show."

JC:" By the way, If you're out here as Tourists, especially today," Audience claps for itself, " If you're up on Hollywood Boulevard and you see a man walking along-dressed as Cupid, That does not mean its Valentine's day, that means its Murray, he dresses that way every single day." very little response from audience, but Johny carries on.

JC: 'Love is in the air today. Valentines Day. But remember before you fall head over heels on love with somebody you just met, remember the initials of Valentines day." Johny takes a pause to let the audience digest the Joke

JC:" i always wax nostalgic on Valentines day, ..I think of my youth back on the plains of Nebraska and my very first girlfriend, she was an Italian girl--Gena Statutory. I'll never forget the very first time i saw Gena in school, she was starring in a hygiene film called: " Don't let this happen to you."

JC:" Do you still send Valentines day cards, is that still the thing to do? Sure." turns to Ed " Remember the ones you made as kids with the little lace around them. The Farmer that lived next door to Billy Carter, sent Billy a Valentines day card , that said: Roses are red, Violets are blue, and their watered daily thanks to you."

Note: Billy Carter was a late night comedians dream come true, and he would be a whipping boy for Carson for the 4 years of the carter Administration. The Reagan administration never really supplied a whipping boy fro Carson, but Bush would make up for that in Spades with the gift of Dan Quale.

JC: " Today is the 50th anniversary of the Valentines Day massacre, remember that in Chicago? In remembrance of that date, NBC lined up all the member of its programming department, up against the wall today and machine gunned them'

JC: California Governor Jerry Brown sent his girlfriend Linda Ronstadt a little Valentines day poem, " suddenly Carson becomes distracted by a fly buzzing in front of hs face." There's a fly buzzing around" he follows it with his eyes," This monologue is starting to spoil." of course the studio and Audience and Ed love this, as they always loved when Johhny ad-libbed or improvisized on the spot.

JC: continuing," Roses are red, violets are blue, I love you pretty lady, but I'm more in love with 1980."

JC" I know you are all pretty anxious to know the latest in the Lee Marvin, Michele Treola trial. For those of you who missed the pale today and want to keep up on these important events, The Judge in Michele Treola's trial would not let her lawyer sue for an additional one million dollars, Miss Treolas lawyer is akan named Marvin Mitchelson, who claimed that when Lee marvin said I Love you, he didn't mean it, which is fraud." Johny rolls his eyes." Look everybody knows that when a man says " I Love You," it is not fraud -it's temporary insanity."

JC: Now with all the important news out of the way we can turn to Iran and see whats happening there. Iran just came out with its first soft drink since the new Government took over, it's called the Ayatollah Cola. It gives gas to everyone but Americans."

JC: Jimmy Carter is off on a sight seeing trip to Mexico, The President of Mexico show Carter the home of the former bandit-Panch Villa. Carter was so impressed he said " When the mexican president comes here he is going to show him the home of Burt Lance." very little response from audience so carson says: " Carter just doesnt say things funny, you ever notice that."

JC: ' While Carter is out of the county the acting President is Walter Mondale ( Note: this is certainly not true, the President is the President no matter where he is) Now, here are some of the important things that Walter has accomplished since Carter went to Mexico. He oiled the swivel chair in the oval office. He called the Maytag repairman to ask "what do you do to kill a day. and he called Breshnyv, Brizinski and told him to keep his hands off rodeo drive." absolutely no response from the audience at all. " Between Carter and Mondale its been a political wipe-out tonight."

Jc:" Moving along to the sports news...see, I jump from one subject to another , if one thing doesn't work we keep plunging ahead. Former Ohio State coach Woody Hayes is in town, an he is here to discuss the possibility of making a movie based on his life, I understand that today Woody was up at Graumans Chinese theatre-where they pressed his fists in cement.

Note: Woody Hayes, you do when thing wrong and you do it on National TV. And the nation will never forget.in the 1978 Gator Bowl he punched a player on the opposing team who had just intercepted a pass.-one of the most shocking moments in the history of sports.