Thngs I learned from watching Dark Passage (spoilers)

1. If you want a plastic surgeon to make you look like Bogart, just jump in a cab and the cabbie will set it all up for a couple hundred bucks. In a week no scars at all (compare this to the film Seconds).

2. If you have evidence that Agnes Moorehead killed your wife and best friend you shouldn't go to the police. You should go visit her and hope she'll willingly sign a confession and won't jump through the window.

3. If you play the villain in a Bogart film you'll end up as the mother-in-law in Bewitched.

4. If you are by far the world's greatest plastic surgeon, the AMA will still take your license.

5. If you escape from San Quentin, just wait at the side of the road until Lauren Bacall who has been following your case and proclaiming your innocence randomly comes by to pick you up.

6. If an escaped convict beats you up, get the license plate number of the lady who picks him up, trace it, spy on them both, and then confront him with a gun to extort $200,000. Works every time.

7. If you go to a diner at 2AM in San Francisco, don't tell the cook you want the race results for Bay Meadows. It's been closed for a month and a cop will overhear you and based on that attempt to take you in.

8. If there is a countrywide manhunt for you just hop in a bus and go to Peru. Don't worry about borders. Even though you will be a fugitive for the rest of your life your girlfriend will come there to live with you.

Any others?

For who would bear the whips and scorns of Hollywood... (;-p)