Sheriff Bela Tarr walks in the centre of the street....(a script for Bela)

FADE IN:
Int. Old Western Saloon - Solar Exlipse

A bunch of depressed looking people populate the saloon. They drink their woes away while the pianist plays Adagio for Strings. For some reason, everything is black and white. Enter ANDREI TARKOVSKY, an outlaw of spirituality, who causes the piano player to stop and all the people to look at the door, and brief colour cinematography to be introduced. ANDREI scans the saloon with his eyes...very, very slowly. A half hour passes until he's finished. Everyone goes back to what they were doing. ANDREI sits down and asks for a Margarita. The barkeeper gives him one.

ANDREI
Why must I be given a margarita that is not green? Why must the margaritas in Earth's bars be black and white? Because the people only wish to drown themselves in them? Do they not realize that the only truly enlightened drinker of margaritas is the one who looks upon the drink and proudly proclaims, "this drink is green". But, if all the margaritas in the world were green, then the artist would have no goal other than to repeat tired cliches. I will make it my goal to make this town a world of appropriately coloured drinks. Tell me, what is at the root of this town's melancholy?

BARKEEPER, looking out the door
It's that sheriff! He and his existentialism have the whole town convinced that the world is without order!

Ext. Deadwood - The sun is still blotted out

Sheriff BELA TARR walks in the centre of the street, drearily looking upon the town that G-d does not inhabit. He continues walking. He still continues walking. There's yet more walking. Finally...he still continues walking. Suddenly, he stops to readjust his hat. Then he continues walking. He hears a gunshot and heads in its direction. He finds WERNER HERZOG shooting at the advertisements for Rob Cohen's Miracle Oil and Stephen Sommers's Cure-All Juice....

BELA
Stop your meaningless actions! Don't you realize that it's all in vain?

WERNER
These images will cause society to collapse on itself! I will create a machine that will take all these images and burn them!

BELA
Alas, this is such a horrible world in which your worth is weighed in money.

WERNER then aims his pistol at BELA but KLAUS KINSKI tries to shoot BELA instead but the gun refuses (something something Spielberg Schindler) to shoot and instead WERNER and KLAUS stare each other down.

What will come of this apparent duel in the making? What will happen when ANDREI TARKOVSKY glides into the scene?

UNKNOWN OFF-SCREEN VOICE
You....fool!

We see a hand smack JEAN-LUC G-DARD in the face. We pan to see the hand belongs to FRANCOIS TRUFFAUT.

FRANCOIS
I remember as I bicycled across the park and looked at all the pretty French girls with their short skirts as they played tennis so gracefully, I turned to you and told you to never ignite the hostilities that stand between the people of the French New Wave and Eastern Europe! Now we must meet them in battle!

ERIC
I stared at Francois Truffaut. Was he truly angry? Or was he masking his anticipation for blood? What time was it? Would I be late for my date?

FRANCOIS
Shut up, Eric Rohmer.

JEAN-LUC
Don't you see? With our combined forces, we can form socialist alliances before finally taking this world from those superficial Russians and Hungarians and assorted other countries forever! What do you think of Humphrey Bogart?

FRANCOIS
We've no choice. Like when I gathered with my friends and viewed all the pretty Italian girls who came on vacation, we will draw together and make as many alliances as possible. Come, Jean-Luc G-dard and Eric Rohmer.

ALAIN
What about me?

FRANCOIS
You can't come Alain Resnais, because La Guerre Est Finie (1966) was terrible.

We FREEZE-FRAME on Alain Resnais's disappointed face.

It appears as though diplomacy will be the key factor in the early stages of war. What about ANDREI TARKOVSKY and BELA TARR? Will they meet?

BELA TARR, ANDREI TARKOVSKY, KRZYZYZYZKR KIESLOWSKI, and second-in-command SERGEI EISENSTEIN (who sinisterly rubs his hands together) all rise for the entrance of their leader, king INGMAR BERGMAN.

INGMAR
My friends, the evil forces of France have converged on their kingdom of Vérité, whilst we sit waiting. The time has come for action.

INGMAR
My friends, the evil forces of France have converged on their kingdom of Vérité, whilst we sit waiting. The time has come for action.

SERGEI
Foolishness! You're getting too old to run this council, Bergman!

INGMAR
The hell you talking about? You've been here since the 1920s! The two forces of New Wave, Truffaut and G-dard, have joined forces. Our only hope is to destroy the source of G-dard's power.

He holds up the source: a handheld camera.