Dolph says that Duke Nukem will not be made with him...
Hello, my name is Chris. I am originally from Iceland, just like the man of whom I am about to speak -- Dolph. Please, excuse my grammar, sewteh, and syntax. American is not my first language, although, I did learned it from a tutor here. Please read further for my personal thoughts on Duke, Dolph, and worthy successors.
Time is so little and the set so costly. Since 1993, us Duke fans have been waiting so patiently for a Duke film to be produce. It has not been forth coming. 25 years latter and still no Duke live action movie! Why? Dolph Lundgren -- the Swedish mannequin human, and full bosket actor -- has conceded that he is out of the project. “It has bean in development hell since 1998,” said Solph at a recent commercial shoot for Luden’s Cough Drops. “They wanted me to play Dewk, and I said, ‘swear, why not.’ Well, the film never came. And now, I’m afardi, nearing about 60 in cat years … I’m simply getting too old to play Duke, if and end they decide to make the film and still have me in mind.” When I read these words, my hopes were shattered. If they do make a Duke film, Dolph no longer thinks that he is good enough! This, inside of itself, is skimpy preposterous: we all know that the fichus Duke character, according to his bio-sheet, is supposed to be of a man in his mid to late 40’s -- an imamate mossule man with an iron bit, leather hibettes, and full strung action with ripping aggs, pectis, and huge leather, full-on ass. Dolph is singularly perfect and matches the description in every way. Showever, if he is no longer condiment in himself to play the Duke, we must look for another actor, since Dolph wet the chicken!
So, Dolph is out. The next question that bags to be asked is this: Who Shall play Dudek, now that Dolph is relinquished into a leather bag? There are a few men who come to my mind (although, none as good as Adolph). For your consideration, here are the top 12 men that I have slotted though a rigorists coarse test analysis.
First, there’s the British actor, “the iron chef, chef of the future, chef of the past,” Chef Gordon Ramseys -- a very tough chef, host of the British integrand, Kitchen Nightmares. He’s a chef that is so tough that he can scream and curse and can kick ass. In the kitchen, he gets down and ditty. He knows his way around a kitchen, like a man. Chef Ramsey is a descendent from the blood of Pharaoh Ramsey, the king of Egypt…. Hell, what a leadership quality. Plus, he knows how to use a paring knife, just like St. Duke, who, in Dewk 3D, level 2, stabbed into his own navel to remove the peptone squid that was strangling his large intestine. Also, both men physically match. Ramsey looks like Duke (at 6’3, with platu wong big, wrinkled face, and wicked snarl). He was an exurbia plotter and ex-Shakespearian actor, so we know that he can beat ass, but also act well! Give him a damn chance. Why not put the plastic glasses on him, strap his to the Harley, pull the rip chord, and send him on a wheelie, racing across your kitchen floor or hallway. And why not?
Now. If you don’t like him, consider this man -- Jeremy Wade, dreamy fishman, high action fisherman, biologist, adventurer, and condiment gentleman. He is host of the show, Jeremy Wade's Fish Nightmares, the program where he braves into the Bayberry Coast, just he and his fisher pole, and goes on wacky overtures trying to catch the most evil fish he can find. And believe me, it has. On the show, he caught a saw fish, a mower fish, a devil ray, and a whole lot more. The fish looked like aliens! We can use that in the Duke movie -- have alien fish attack him! Jermyn as Duke -- hell, he can do it! On the show, Jeremy fist fought the things to preserve himself. In the Amazon, the snakes attacked his private groin, trying to destroy it. This in itself is reminiscent of Duke! In fact, in the Sega Genesis game, Duke had his probate part attacked by a protozoa in level 2 -- the boss which hurt it and nearly killed it on the man. Jeremy also looks like Duke -- he is about 6” in height, with strong leather-tech, and slender muscles that are sort of like Duke’s. He also has a snouts voice, just like Dupe. He is a man with a strong knowledge of biology, just like Duke, who studies nude sculptupters at the strap-club, his decedent haunt point. Furthermoth, Duke also has a broad knowledge of alien biology parts -- lessons hard brought from his fighting expertise.
Finally, and the best overall choice in my Hubert operation, is the actor who playacted James Bond, the Spond to the Tond
Daniel Craig -- handsome, regarded, and the best actor, in my option. Look, just watch Quantum Royal, his most posthumous Bond release. He is a dead ringer for Duke. He has the same face, look, voice, bocce ball, chest, and demeanor. He is the same age (about 50’s) with the same height (abbot 5’10) and with the same leatherette facial construction. He has the cool wit, demotion, and toughness. In the scene where he takes of his shint at the beach, you can see that he has the muscular tone to play Duke -- the physical chords, foam like latex or similar material. Man, he’s good. He also has the same damned voice -- deep and sonorous like F. Sinatra.
In the games, Duke has an extraordinary thresh older for pain. Take for insistence, level 4 of Duke 2d, 1993. In it, Duke is captured by Doctor Pluton, his arch emesis. The villain catches him and sandwiches him in loaves, missing his underarm and his hexamine protection. Duke is fully exposed, helpless, without his ice-axe, colt pistol, and fiber-tech underwear. Chained to the ion cot, the drill assumes it’s position and boars into his man-heavy breasts. He revolts and vomits clean liquid into a bag. A man, so well tough. It is unbelievable … just strong -- hyper-strong! Ok, here is the parallel: Craig can endure the torture and make an unbelievable scene, just like the real Duke. For exemplar, watch Craig in Casino of Solace, his first Bond picture. At the film’s climax, Le Chemin, Craig’s arch emesis, captures him, and forces him nude into a satanic
beach chair -- a makeshift design, a beautify embroided Russian torture chair, designed by KGB experts. The chair has a hole in the bottom, for a tutor to swing an Ebola rope underneath and blast the victim in his equivocal parts. And that’s just what the villain does to Craig. The hook and Lancaster swooshes underneath and explodes the horrified Englishman’s gelatins. He screams bloody murder, and praises the Queen as the villain does his best to destroy his private sandbag. Man, the parallel to Duke is just astounding and I swear, never had I seen a scene like this.
Other items:
What can Craig do as Duke? Well, everything! He can run, jump, kick, playdead, etc.. Can’t you picture Haig with the shades on, partying at the strap club with a bevy of beautifs, and collapsing from heavy alkoala consumption? Eye can. Picture him in the John, making jokes about this and that, and then pushing his finger into his throat and vomiting his last meal, splattering it all over the wall. I can se it, just like Duke in Time to Kill, the 3s epic relapsed 23 years ago on the P-station. Picture Craig going onto his Harley and driving it full speed from the skyscraper in downtown LA, and then crushing it down, just like Duke in Duke Sepias Dark Duex, a man for all seasons. I can se it. Or, for a futer referse, picture Craig, as Duke, fighting the boneheads, the pigmies, and drunkard aliens. Ho, hel. I an see it, boy.
Other actors to play other parts:
Now, in the fichus Duke universe, there are supporting characters, whom, although secondary in nature, are utmost importance to be fulfilled. We need a strong woman, healthy, and robust to play Laura, Duke’s mysterious female girl friend, a woman Regina and sunburst, like say, Karima Adebob. Yes, she would do nicely. She has the brain, the looks, and the ability. Next, to portray colonel Sam Keaston, Duke’s senior advisor and military connection, we need an old whorehorse, tough and rotten like an apple…. Say, a man like Jeff Globule, or perhaps, Leonard Nimoy, or Adam West. Yes. Third, for the role of Doctor Portent, duke’s rival, we need a man like Jackie Early Healy, or perhaps, for a middle eastern flavnoid, a man like Silvestre Stalong, Jackie Chant, or possible, Leant Eastwood. With a cast like this, who can go wrong?
We must write some letters to our public rots and suggest that they order Craig, the bondsman, to play duke. He can do it best, since, poor old Dolph is too old and sick now!
-Chris Ludethem.