Dealing with loss of a friend
Until recently, I didn't have a lot of experience with people I knew dying. This might get a little heavy.
I had a friend. He was much older than me, and in many ways he felt like family. I didn't really know any of my grandparents, not well anyway. I think the best word to describe him is mentor. He taught me so much about life and love. In many ways I loved him. As a friend, as a romantic partner, and as a grandfather figure from whom I could learn from his life experience. Near the end, our romantic relationship faded and we were just very good friends with a strong mutual respect.
This has been the hardest few months of my life. In early February, my best friend from high school checked in to inpatient rehab for alcoholism, and contact with him became very limited. He went out of state, and then covid 19 sort of stranded him there. The global hysteria and lockdown would have been enough to deal with, but I couldn't have possibly been prepared for what was going to happen next.
Around St. Patrick's Day, my mentor was murdered. I don't even know how to process this. I found out about his death because the police questioned me shortly after it happened. I guess I was in his contacts and they were turning over every rock. That was very stressful, to say the least. Even when you haven't done something wrong, the cops showing up at your door is very intense. They didn't tell me he was dead at first, I assume because they needed to see my reaction to the news. I was in total shock when they said the words.
They got the guy, so at least I don't have to live with not knowing. Every bit of advice on how to deal with a lost loved one tells you to go to the funeral, be around people, and talk about him with others who knew him. I can't do any of this. There wasn't even a funeral. I'm supposed to stay distant from others. It's all too much.
Then I get the coronavirus myself. That whole when it rains it pours thing has never been more true for me. I have since recovered, but I've never had to deal with that much stress. My job is considered essential, so I was still going for a while, but I decided to take about a month off, because the stress of that job was not good for me right now.
Not sure why I decided to post this other than I need to communicate my feelings somehow to someone, anyone. Any advice or support is much appreciated.