Can someone sum up everything that happens in the Bible...

You can read it in "new English".

[deleted]

God decides to plant a tree with a poisonous fruit because he is a troll and after that everything jumps the shark. The part where they wander around and look for the same town for 40 years is hilarious though. The worst example of sense of direction in written history.

The butler did it.

Big Bang!
Life
Lots of death
A pregnant lady tells her hubby the baby belongs to God and he falls for it (what a maroon)
The Jesus magic show
More death
Revelations (apocalyptic levels of death)
Happy ending
Roll credits
Post credits scene - approximately 2000 years of war on the back of people saying, “my God’s bigger than yours.”

Recommended viewing: Life of Brian.

There's tons of begatting by a lot of names in the beginning. I never got past that part 😔

There's a beginning with a few days mentioned, This main character becomes well known, He's betrayed. Makes a comeback of sorts. A bit like Rocky V (1990).

People suck.