Once more, for old time's sake: Movie-Man-Bob's Valentine Advice Thread

Dear MMB,

I'm thinking about getting my special lady friend something nice for Valentine's Day, but we are keeping the budget low. What's would you recommend I get for maximum impact but minimum budget?


Sincerely,

Cost-Conscious in Colorado





You are all part of a predictive simulation.

You can't go wrong with a strap-on.

Too expensive. Use a pickle!

See? This is the kind of excellent advice millions upon millions of people are going to be missing out on!

What are IMDb thinking?

Dear Cost-Conscious,

They say the best things in life are free. They are wrong. The best things in life are things most of us will never be able to afford in our lifetimes.

Therefore, if you really want to make this a Valentine's Day to remember, I recommend robbing a bank. In fact, do it together, as your Valentine's Day date! Dress as Bonnie and Clyde, go in with old fashioned Tommy Guns (or cheap replicas, since you are on a budget), and walk out with bags of cash! The danger and excitement will really heighten the romance. Afterwards, use the money to go out to a nice dinner. Or to flee to Mexico. Your choice.

Good luck!

Sayonara. Not to be confused with cyanide, which is, of course, goodbye in any language.

MMB,

For Valentine's Day, what fun activities do you recommend for single folk who don't even have friends to do a singles Valentine's Day thing with?

From Forever Alone in MD

Dear Forever Alone,

You've actually hit upon the one area of romance in which I actually DO have an expertise. Being single and alone on Valentine's Day is pretty much my forte. My personal favorite Valentine's Day activity is "Netflix and Zero Chill," wherein I binge a TV show while eating chocolate I've bought for myself. However, failing that, here are a few other options to consider:

-Google "What to do on Valentine's Day when you're single," read one of the articles, and see how long it takes before you want to blow your brains out.
-Go skydiving. That way, the next day, when your attached friends/coworkers/acquaintances are bragging about what they did with their significant others, you can say, "Oh, that's nice, I guess, but I jumped out of a goddamn plane!"
-Grab someone off the street. Preferably someone attractive. Kidnap them. They are now your Valentine's Day date. Force them at gunpoint to make you dinner and buy you flowers.
-A lot of people will tell you to watch a marathon of your favorite movies. That's bush league, though. If you really want an adventure, try living your favorite movies. Steal the Declaration of Independence. Put your ex on a plane to France and never see them again. Put a horse's head into the bed of a business rival. The possibilities are endless!
-Keep reminding yourself that the next day, chocolate goes on really good sale.

Sayonara. Not to be confused with cyanide, which is, of course, goodbye in any language.

Wow! Looks like it won't be suicide for me this year. Truly the man, you are. With this list of brilliant ideas, I am sure to make it probably to at LEAST 1 pm before falling face down in a puddle of whiskey.

How can I thank you for this advice, and how did you know my favorite movie is National Treasure?