First Scene of my Script - Rate it?

Honestly, it was a fun read. It is your story, you can do whatever you want to it. I'll give you some suggestions, you don't have to take them but it's what I would do.

-Her fear of heights. She seemed fine in the very first paragraph. I would add something when you have the first chance about how uneasy she feels to let you know the situation right off the bat. Maybe something simple, like add the 3rd paragraph where it mentions this as the second sentence in the first paragraph. I think it would flow better.

-Marcus seems like a total prick or he's determined. Either way, I think you should clarify this.
-The cave. How would he know there was a cave up here? The way the story flows it sounds as if this whole scene is a practical joke on Julie. I don't know what direction this is headed, but if its not a joke you should take out the part where he assumes there is a cave ontop of a mountain.
-Emotions. I think you can clear most of what I talked about if you can convey this before you add dialog. I'll give you an example:



Here is what you've written.


MARCUS
Relax, Julie. It is probably just a large bir--

As soon as Marcus finishes, a LOUD SCREECH is heard deep in the CAVE. Marcus and Julie look toward the direction of the sound.

JULIE
(panicked)
Marcus, I think we need to go. I don’t want to find out what made that noise.

I would change to:


Marcus doesn't break his connection with the eggs. His new fascination is broken and he becomes frusterated by Julies nagging.

MARCUS
(turns to JULIE) Relax, Julie. It's probably just a large bir-

Marcus is interupted by a LOUD SCREECH deep within the CAVE. Marcus and Julie turn their attention towards the direction of the sound and a rush of panic sweeps their faces.

JULIE
(grabs Marcus's arm)
Marcus, I think we need to go! I don't want to find out what made that noise.



Anyway, just a few suggestions. I just think that if you don't tell the actors what to feel, you are giving them too much liberty. This is your story. They should feel how you want them to feel.

I can't wait to hear what the next scene is.

Hey, I like the help. I agree with a lot of what you said. That was basically the prologue of the story. Just to introduce the threat. That is the last we see of those two characters.

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Used to be gta_fury

ok good start!

=)

i have another suggestion, but again, its entirely up to you. To add suspense, you could leave out that he knows about the cave ahead of time. I kind of had the feeling that they were college students who were on vacation, sort of a spring break kind of thing and they wondered off and happened upon the cave.

If you have any more I'd be happy to read!

Now I will kill you until you die from it..

I've seen this happen so many times in movies, you know: two people, one apprehensive the other cocky going some place dangerous only for one or both of them to be killed. And I'll be honest, the premise no longer excites me.

My advice is this: first make the character/s who die/s extremely likable. If you have a monster who kills some dick who was pressuring some girl into doing things she didn't want to do they just won't care about it. If you kill off a nice guy who did everything right they will be horrified at what happend and they will hate this monster you've created (which is what I'd want if I were you). I'd also make the circumstances a bit less phony. I thought the whole idea of him not being bothered by the giant eggs(which would freak me out) was unbelievable. I'd have him and the girl discover them in front of us, give them a moment for it to sink in and then bam! They are ripped to shreds. And don't be so nice on to these guys either. So many movies go for the one slash and they're dead routine. Have these guys be torn to shreds but slowly, have the life ripped out of them blow by blow like you'd see a lion do to a gazzelle on those Discovery channel shows. Create a struggle but a clearly futile one. I think more shocking then sudden horror based on quick, fleeting images and sharp, fast sounds is graphic horror. And I don't mean graphic in how the "Saw" movies are graphic, that is excess and it becomes lame after awhile. If you've ever seen High Tension I think it makes very good use of disturbing, graphic imagery. The movie itself could be better but the graphic imagery is what sticks with me.

Then you're going to have a lot of questions to answer about this creature. Don't cop out! Think of something plausible yet surprising, don't do the routine: oh, it was a dinosaur whose species solely lived in a single cave for thousands of years and somehow survived extinction or the even worse an egg survived for millions of years only to hatch in modern times. Aliens, genetic experiments, a combination of the two, a mutation... these are all things I expect but if you put a twist on it it could very well work.

Just my thoughts. Hope you can take something from them and apply it.

Well, I don't exactly know if this is the moment I want to completely introduce the monsters. Even though they are part of the title of the movie. That is why I only had parts of them seen in the shadows.

But yeah, thanks for the feedback and I will think about all of this. All of this will be something I will think of for the post rough-draft editing of the script.

Thanks all!

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Used to be gta_fury

sorry bud, i didn't like it at all. unless it's supposed to be a funny horror movie type thing, like Planet Terror. otherwise, it was pretty brutal.
first off, you know 10 seconds into reading it that these two characters are doomed. there's no suspense when they go through all the normal motions of Stupid Horror Movie Characters - they wander off when they shouldn't, they explore dark places when they shouldn't, they split up when they shouldn't. it's completely predictable. now, horror movies themselves are almost impossible to write in an original way, i understand that. but this prologue felt almost like you were spoofing these kinds of scenes in movies, because it played into the cliches and conventions so powerfully. so again, if this is a comedy, then good job.
the dialogue is another problem. they talk a little too much, and too inanely (i think that's a word). plus, they'll often say things like "No, I'm not doing that. Well, Ok, I guess I will". that's a problem.
overall dude, i mean, i hate being such an ass about this kind of thing. but i honestly believe the harshest criticism for aspiring writers is the best. so i'm sorry for sounding mean, but this script needs a lot of work. a total rewrite, actually, would be best.
cheers
KZ