Xanadu, The Apple, Can't Stop the Music: Which is worst?
The three musical bombs from 1980 are all terrible in their own way. But there are degrees of terrible! I'm thinking Can't Stop the Music is the worst all-around, but I'm going to break it down...
Songs: Well, Xanadu has songs by ELO, and Olivia Newton-John is always a good singer, even if the songs are lame. I'd love to know who Michael Beck's agent was, that he got his non-singing, non-dancing, non-acting client the lead in a musical. They had to have Cliff Richard duet with ONG on the soundtrack, but that's a net gain. CSTM having Village People songs can be an advantage or disadvantage, depending on how you feel about the VP, but the other, cheesy Moroder-style, songs are a disadvantage. The Apple's songs are just plain bad. Vapid, on-the-nose lyrics, and none of the melodies stayed with me for a minute afterwards. So The Apple for the worst songs.
Dancing/Musical numbers: The ensemble dancers in The Apple were actually pretty good at what they did; I just wish they hadn't been doing it. Xanadu has Gene Kelly, and no movie with him dancing in it can be truly bad, but the ensemble numbers are staged very poorly: the frame is overcrowded, and you can only see what the front line is doing. To work around MB's inability to dance (why wasn't Rex Smith cast, as originally planned?!) one of the numbers is animated...but that's ridiculous too, with the two leads turning from cartoon characters to birds to fish, FFS! CSTM seems like an attempt to recreate MGM musicals, where people would burst into song and dance anywhere, for any flimsy reason. But...the YMCA number? Really? All the supposed show-stoppers are a confused noise. So CSTM for worst dancing/musical numbers.
Acting: Again, in Xanadu, MB is about as romantic as an oak tree. ONJ is an adequate actress, and no complaints about GK, but it's a three-character film. During the fadeout of "All Over the World," he and ONJ are slow-dancing, because that's about all this clown can do, but GK is watching them, and gives this radiant smile, so we do get the romance of the moment, with someone else doing MB's work for him. The actors in The Apple are decent, if a bit melodramatic. CSTM has the Village People, non-actors and it shows, and Valerie Perrine and Steve Guttenberg merely reciting their lines, like they’re doing a blocking rehearsal. Strangely, then-Bruce Jenner, also a non-actor, is the only one who’s really making an effort. He’s actually pretty good, compared to those who are not even trying. So CSTM for worst acting.
Plot: The Apple has the built-in advantatge of being an allegory. Xanadu is okay as far as the motivation of opening a roller disco, but the confilict is ridiculous. We’re supposed to believe that in thousands of years, a muse has never fallen in love with any of the men she’s inspired, but she falls for this lunk? CSTM is suppposed to be an origin story, but there’s at least half an hour where the plot is not even advancing. So CSTM for worst plot.
Honestly, CSTM is bad. Really, really, really bad. I won’t even say it’s so bad it’s good; it’s just plain bad. The Apple is not much better, but it’s Moulin Rouge compared to CSTM. And Xanadu is worth seeing the musical numbers once.